Dedicated to my Qong Qong

Tomorrow, 16 October marks the 15th anniversary of my beloved Qong Qong's death.  And also it is now 2 years since I get to talk to you and bring you roses in the columbarium.  It wasnt a choice for me at all with the way of the world, the way the system works.  I know deep inside you and I are still connected and you know my pain, you know I cannot leave my young son, your young great grandson alone in NZ.  It wasnt the way you brought me up to be a responsible parent to abandon a child for my own sake.  However, I do miss just standing in front of your columbarium talking to you because somehow I still feel that you can hear me.  I know I also look around at the 'others' and have happy thoughts of you being friends with some of them especially that little girl who died at such a young age.  Whilst I can no longer feel and have the special unconditional love physically from you, I still believe, you are watching over me somewhere and having fun with others while waiting for the day we could be reunited.  It could happen sooner if the end of the world is really happening on the 12/12/12.  

I still miss you everyday and with my situation now, I really wished that you could be here for me.  You have been the only person who would stand up for me regardless of anything.  I know you would bend over backwards, not worried of what the world thinks to get me and your great grandson out of this predicament. Because of you, I have faith in every single person I meet but the last 2 years, I have only been disappointed over and over again by people.  

When things get really tough, I recall your simplicity in life and that restore my faith in the world, temporarily. 

Dearest Qong Qong, till we meet again, please continue to watch over me and your great grandson.  He exhibits quite a few of your characteristic, even the little health issues you had.  And help me impart your teachings on him, the simplicity and sincerity and trust.  Something that is so significantly missing in the world now...

Love you forever.

What a Double Standard!

I came across this article in the New Zealand Herald and what a load of double standard the Family Law in NZ practices.  Even the title of the article is SO irrelevant.  This is the article and these are my points :
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10837454

1)      In this article Joanne Ingham practically kidnapped the children from Malaysia but she is not even being put on trial.  But if the opposite happen, says a foreign mother takes her child home to her birth country not return to NZ, they will be put on trial for child abduction.  There will be a major outcry all over the media over that foreign mother's action.  But when their own citizen does it, its OK.   

2)      Joanne Ingham changes her contact details and address rendering Hanafi Salleh zero contact with his children. With his fisherman income, there is no way, he has the financial means to track her down and probably took him 7 years to save for a ticket to fly to NZ.  That is such extreme.  On the contrary, if a foreign mother changes her contact details etc even within NZ, she will risk losing her child.  Sick double standard system!!!

3)      Hanafi Salleh is a Malaysian so he doesn’t even have any rights to file for a parental order in New Zealand.  Similarly, any foreign mother's who is not a Citizen in NZ, their parents are not Kiwis so they have no rights in New Zealand.  But the grandparents who are Kiwis are so much rights to the extent of superceeding a mother's rights!

4)      The article says that the two boys are living together but not with their mother, Joanne Ingham! How could this be fair for the two boys to be taken away from their birth country, back to NZ but not live with their mother.  So the boys are growing without the presence of a mother or a father.   

5) The New Zealand’s Family Court Care of Children Act emphasised on equal rights.  In Joanne and Hanafi Salleh’s case, where is the equal right for Hanifi Salleh?  Where is the equal rights for the foreign parent who is not a Kiwi?

6) A protective mother in New Zealand can be painted as an emotional protective mother and it is considered bad but a mother like Joanne Ingham with strings of convictions for theft is still fit to be a mother!  Gosh, I rest my case with the type of children that will be produced as a result of the Family Court.  And my son will be one of the victim!  

Stay At Home Mother in a Job

As per the picture above, stay at home mother is a job.  It is unfair that the Domestic Purpose Benefit penalises mothers who desire to care, nurture and teach their preschoolers. Firstly, for some of us mothers, we are on the DPB not by choice but by circumstances where our supposedly reliable husband abandoned us.  With the new change effective 15 October 2012, those of us who are on the DPB are required to put our children in a childcare to return to work force on a part time basis.  What I cannot understand is why is the Government paying 20 hours of free childcare to an institution rather than paying that 20 hours for a mother who is willing to sacrifice her lifestyle to stay home to care and teach her child?

Face it, most of these childcare educators are young graduates who do not even have children of their own.  They do not nurture the kids as their own children but rather do it like a job.  The more independent kids will benefit with more attention whilst the more ‘troubled’ kids are left alone because they do not want to accidentally make the child cry.  These educators will not go beyond their call of duty to teach and discipline the child, the way a mother would.  As an example, if a child in the childcare does not want to do puzzles or eat their veges, the educators will not coerce the child to do so because they fear the child will throw a tantrum.  But as a mother, we will do whatever we could to ensure the child eats healthy and does stimulating brain exercise. 

I am from a multicultural background and my preschool boy could speak Malay, Chinese and Englsih.    As we know, preschool age is the best age to teach languages and could my child get this if he goes to a childcare/kindergarten?  Would he get the one on one attention he gets now?

To be honest, if a stay at home mother is to be paid the minimal $14/hour wage, we should be getting at least $154/day in wages (giving the minimum of 11 hours work when most of us actually work round the clock!).  Instead of forcing our child to a kindergarten or childcare, I think there should be an ‘organisation’ that pays women who SACRIFICE their lifestyle for the love of their child. 

My honest opinion – parents who ‘dumped’ their children in childcare is actually taking the easy way out.  Try spending a whole day taking care of a preschooler, from chauffeuring them to playgroups to cooking for them, putting them to bed and teaching them, most would rather choose the easy way out of leaving the ‘job’ to supposedly trained young graduates with an ECE degree.  

Double Standard Practice

On Tuesday (11/9/2012), Close Up New Zealand ran  a story about child support.  It featured two Kiwi women who are  complaining that they are owed $30k in child support from their ex-husband in Australia.  There was not much focus on the second woman but the first one Tania Webby said that she moved back to NZ from Australia and has not been paid child support.  The story said "Tania moved back to NZ for family support". When Close Up team rang her ex-husband in Australia, he said he doesnt believe her owes her $30k in child support.  He believes he only owes her $8k because "she lives only 10 minutes away from me but she decided to f**k off to NZ, leaving me with no contact with my son.  So she can f**k off with her child support".  

My comment -  Why is NZ Government responding to her plea for child support instead of sending her back to Australia to get a fair trial in child custody?  As far as I know, NZ and Australia practiced the same Care of Children Act which is shared parenting.  It seems to me, when their own citizen women 'abduct' their child back to NZ for family support, it is OK.  It is not considered abduction.  But for a non-Kiwi woman like me who wants to return to Malaysia for family support, I am considered BAD because I am taking the child away from the father.  I am dragged through a load of court process draining me off financially as well as emotionally.  What a load of DOUBLE STANDARD!  

As for the NZ Government, I thought they do not deal with individual cases but why are they responding to Tania and Monique case?  From watching Close Up, it looks to me that Tania and Monique are living rather comfortably in a rather big house.  

Lastly, I was intending to include the video clip in this blog but when I went to Close Up video, the video has been taken off their website! 

Forget to add, at least a Malaysian woman like me has more decency because I offered that I DO NOT want any child support if I am allowed to go home to Malaysia.  I cannot believe these women want their cake and eat it too.  

Violating of Mother's Rights

In the absence of the father, I asked to be the primary carer of my son only to be told I cannot.  In the absence of the father, the grandparents can have equal rights.  NZ's law teaches ALL MEN that they dont need to respect women.  Women are just incubators and once the baby is out, the father and the grandparents have equal rights.  But then the mother's parents does not because they do not live in New Zealand.  

A law that violates human rights, mother's rights, maternal grandparents rights.  Basically everything that was taught in the Bible about women and mother, New Zealand violates it.  But then of course this is not uncommon for a country that does not believe in GOD.  

No Respect for Human Rights

Every night when I hear my son coughing I get really upset and angry.  Why must we stay in New Zealand just for the sake of physical bonding and it is birth place when we both have to suffer in our health!  The doctor has in writing and every mother's in the world know that a young toddler with his type of asthma (constriction of his pipe when the temperature drops) would require a warm room to breath properly!  I am paying huge power bill to keep the house warm at 22-23 degrees when in Malaysia, it is naturally that temperature.  

Whilst we have to remain but no one is paying my power bill.  No one is paying my doctor's bill.  

This is a true violation of human rights.  Because of this stupid law, NZ ends up with the highest SUICIDE rate in the world.  They screw up the children's mind at a young age.

Religion is a Sin

I have enough with the New Zealand and its stupid law.  All I ask was a 30minutes earlier return of my child so that I can take him to church but ALL lawyers including mine thinks that it is unreasonable.  Going to church is not important!  

Well maybe New Zealand should change their National Anthem.  It shouldnt be God Saves New Zealand.  Why ask God to save New Zealand when the country doesnt even believe God exist!  Change it to I Save New Zealand since its the one country that has so much emphasis on ME time.  

Maybe God is already not in NZ.  The first place God took his wrath is in Christchurch because it is a blasphemy to call itself Christ' Church when there is no believe in Jesus Christ!  

Sick of the system!

A Scary Education System

I have been meaning to give my 2cents thoughts on the education system in NZ for a while but only now found that time to write it down.  

I seriously cannot understand how scary it is for a 5 years old to turn up at school and everyone there knows each other!  I mean why must the school system works according to their birthdays?  As as adult, I could imagine how scary it would be for me if I have to turn up to school in the middle of the week, in the middle of a school term and be introduced to a class of people who already have their own cliques.  Not all type of personality would like to be thrown into that situation.  For my type of personality, I would quietly sit down and listen to the teacher and just cant wait to go home.  

I really cannot see the merit of making a child starts school when they turn five.  Why cant the there be a two block system where children born between Jan - June starts together and June to Dec starts 2 semester later?  That way they are all newbies together.  

In Malaysia, those born in the same year will start school at the same time so regardless of whether you are a January child or December child, you start school together.  OK, maybe at 4 yrs 1 month and 4 yrs 11 month, there is a huge development milestone. So maybe for 5 years old, they should only stay in school for half day say 9am - 12noon and school officially starts when they turn 6.  Why the rush to make them start formal schooling by 5?  

Most people says that the first 2 weeks of school is terrible for their child.  The child doesnt like it and only starts to fit in after 2 weeks.  I wonder is that a acceptance mechanism for the child?  Wouldnt this make the child 'hate' school?  

Well, my 2 cents thoughts is the system is sooooo scary for a child to start school.  I love the Malaysia system where everyone is a newbie together, you make your friends and form your own social circle based on your likes etc.  But here, you must try your luck and see which social circle 'wants' you in.  

Which brings to the point that my child being a mixed blood in NZ would/might suffer some form of teasing because of his Asian blood but in Malaysia, he will be 'wanted' in most groups because of his western blood.  Even for this reason itself, for the child's psychological health, we should be able to relocate back to Malaysia!  
Note, this is different if my child is not in a broken family because then both his parents are around that respect each other's culture, but in a broken family, my child will be teased especially in a western country and his rather mixed looks.  

My Prison New Zealand

When I watch a movie and see the loneliness and desperation depicted in an prison inmates eyes, I never really could feel for them until these past 2 years.  Although I am not physically behind bars, surrounded by 4 walls, I have the same feeling like those inmates.

I cannot leave the country with my son unless I have the Courts permission which means I actually have my freedom curbed and it is the decision of a stranger who by profession is now given the authority to rule my life.  

I chose to be a stay at home mother because I believe in the benefit of it but again it is not a choice I can make.  By making that choice, I have to live hand to mouth.  Come to think of it, at least in prison, you get your 3 meals without worrying about it.  

I am happy to compromise my lifestyle but recently, a split molar opens a whole new aspect to show that I actually have NO choice in my life right now.  I have a split molar which requires extraction and in Malaysia, I could have gotten a dental implant and still be happy and confident from the inside as many who knows me, my smile means a lot to me.  But my situation has rendered me choice-less.  I cannot afford the exorbitant dental fee in New Zealand for a dental implant so I have to even compromise that aspect of my life.  

In the end, I feel that I am treated with no respect, no freedom and now can definitely empathize with those who are being imprisoned especially those that have been wrongly imprisoned.  I can definitely empathize with their feelings of hurt, desolation and loss of dignity.  

My situation has make me lost all my internal dignity and now also my external dignity.  

I honestly feel that what is the point of having a human rights group when it is just for namesake but violation of human rights is being rampantly practised everywhere.  

A simple girl, who embraces motherhood but married the wrong man in the wrong country has her whole life in bleak because she cannot leave her young son behind to even seek dental help.  All that simple girl wants is to bring up her son in an environment where it is healthier emotionally and psychologically.  All that simple girl wants is to feel love and appreciated.  This simple girl learns that she was never been appreciated as a wife and as THE mother of her child.  Being financially incapable has rendered her a major disadvantage in the system.  Here, I have to admit, it is not just the NZ system.  The system in all over the world is the same - GOT MONEY GOT TALK, NO MONEY NO TALK.  

So right now, even though some insensitive people might say at least you are in a nice prison, let me tell you, it does not matter where the prison is.  Its the feelings inside that count, so whether it is behind bars or in a country, it is the same feeling.

Motherhood

Last night I was watching Private Practice and Addison Montgomery said something that was really meaningful about motherhood/childbirth - it's the moment where every cell in your body transform and the woman is no longer a woman.  She is now a Mother.  

I experienced that magical transformation and am proud to say that I followed my heart with that transformation and did not allow society pressure to push me into 'hiding' that transformation.  

I read Lee Kuan Yew's speech during Singapore's National Day Celebration.  Link to the speech http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/going_extinct_is_no_fun/#idc-container  He speaks on Singaporeans on the brink of extinction because everyone is too busy trying to earn more and more money, they do not want to reproduce.  Women have the 5 C's criteria before they will settle down with a man and even so, it is a temporary stop of work before they want to resume in the workforce to be part of the 'team'. The thought of losing out for a few months scares these women so much that they rather not have a child.  

Before the birth of my son, I am no different to those women in Singapore.  The reason I took up the job offer in NZ is because I thought it will boost my career.  My focus is money and society status.  Then came motherhood... even then I was quite sure I will resume my career but I am thankful I allowed the transformation of cells happen and embraced motherhood.  It is more rewarding and I feel that as a woman, we are made to be mothers/carer/nurturers.  

I gave up my career as an Engineer and society/friends/relatives/ex-husband judge me as 'wasting my life' etc.  But you know what, from where I am sitting, I see that these people who are so money focus, blinded by money and status are the one that have not lived their life.  I can honestly say that whenever I walk past any of the projects I have done, it is just an empty feeling.  I dont feel warmth looking at my traffic lights, roundabout etc.  But I feel proud of my son when he can do a 72 piece puzzle all by himself at 3.75yrs old, I feel proud when my son could understand the concept of maths at his tender age.  

In fact, I have started tutoring other children and when I get their exam results,  I feel so proud of them, like they are my own children achieving the merits.  It is a feeling of warmth that comes from inside, a feeling that put you in good spirit, a feeling that puts a smile on your face because there is no monetary value attached to it.  

Singapore is a great country.  I love Singapore and everything about it.  But like Lee Kuan Yew, I feel so sad for the citizen that is on the brink of extinct.  Seriously women, is money and status and being on par as your male counterpart really that important?  As for men, if you respect women a bit more like ACCEPTING that women are made to care and nurture instead of fighting with us till we crumble, maybe more women are happy to embrace motherhood.  Despite the hurt and pain I suffered from my ex-husband unwillingness to accept that I really cherish motherhood, I would definitely not change a thing and given the chance, will do it all over again with many more children.  

I have learnt that career, status and money only defines who you are on the outside but motherhood defines who you are from the inside.  Once you missed out on motherhood or certain milestone of your child's life, you can NEVER get it back.  But with my career, there's always time to return to it, even if it means starting lower in the rank again.