Gender Biased Law

I have been telling myself, the Law is gender biased but nobody seems to think alike with me.  I kept saying  how could they quote the best interest of the child but the lawyer of the child hardly tries to connect with the child.  Then how could they say they are not biased towards the men when all I asked was "What about me and what I want?"  It's brushed aside.  I was make to feel insignificant.  My views are not important, what I want is not important.  I then thought "is it because I am Asian?".  Maybe it is also a factor.  But today, I found a report that speaks how I feel.  So looks like I am not insane, or crazy or paranoid as some people puts it.  The law is definitely gender biased!

Abrams, R., & Greaney, J. (1989). Report of the gender bias study of the Supreme Judicial Court of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

A 1989 study by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court found that in cases involving custody and visitation litigation, "The interests of fathers are given more weight than the interests of mothers and children." (pp. 62-63). 

Bourke, D. (1995). Reconstructing the patriarchal nuclear family: Recent developments in child custody and access in Canada. Canadian Journal of Law and Society, 10(1), 1-24.
Even if a woman is awarded custody by a court, a court will generally determine that it is in the "best interests of the child" for the ex-partner to be awarded access. According to the results of one study, in nearly every case, and eclipsing virtually all other factors, access of the non-custodial parent (usually the father) was considered paramount to the "best interests of the child". This was irrespective of the quality or regularity of his parenting.


Stahly, G. B., Krajewski, L., Loya, B. Uppal, K., German, G., Farris, W., Hilson, N., & Valentine, J. (2004). Protective Mothers in Child Custody Disputes: A Study of Judicial Abuse. In Disorder in the Courts: Mothers and Their Allies Take on the Family Law System (a collection of essays), electronic download available at http://store.canow.org/products.php?prod_id=3
To better understand the problems that protective parents face in the legal system, researchers at California State University, San Bernardino, are performing an on-going national survey. To date, over 100 self-identified protective parents have completed the 101-item questionnaire. The study found that prior to divorce, 94% of the protective mothers surveyed were the primary caretaker and 87% had custody at the time of separation. However, as a result of reporting child abuse, only 27% were left with custody after court proceedings. 97% of the mothers reported that court personnel ignored or minimized reports of abuse and that they were punished for trying to protect their children. 45% of the mothers say they were labeled as having Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Most protective parents lost custody in emergency ex parte proceedings (where they were not notified or present) and where no court reporter was present. 65% reported that they were threatened with sanctions if the "talked publicly" about the case.
The average cost of the court proceedings was over $80,000 and over a quarter of the protective parents reported being forced to file bankruptcy as a result of filing for custody of their children. 87% of the protective parents believe that their children are still being abused; however, 63% have stopped reporting the abuse for fear that contact with their children will be terminated. Eleven percent of the children were reported to have attempted suicide.

A Simple Life

I saw in my FB newsfeed today a post about this movie called A Simple Life.  I clicked on the trailer. Just watching the trailer, I cried.  I have a mixture of emotions watching that.  I feel sad, I feel angry but I also feel that I have strong Asian roots in me.  This is probably the main reason why I know NZ will never be my home. The culture is too vast different from what I am used to, from the way we behave to the way we talk, to the way we respect.  Even the way we feel as a mother is so different between someone with an Asian upbringing to someone with a western upbringing.  The way we show love is also so different.  Here is the trailer...  I wish that I could watch this movie somehow.  More importantly, I wish my son would understand this movie...understand how much his Asian mother loves him.  

Support

I was given a copy of Grapevine from my son's Mainly Music class for Easter.  I browsed through and read the interview of a couple struck by stroke and how their life changes.  It is not the interview that caught my attention but some of the things the wife of the stroke victim said.  It reassured me that I am not alone in my feelings and thoughts about the 'support' system which only when you are struck with trouble and at your lowest, you realised there is less than a handful who will stand by you and believe in you and hold your hand to walk with you.  


Some of her words which is exactly how I feel:
"There was a glimmer at the top where we knew the rest of the world still carried on - but without us" - people who commented about me does not know how it feels to pack their child's bag and send them away for a few nights while I have to live with the loneliness in a country where I dont have any close support.  People who travel do not know how it feels when travelling is restricted to the whims and fancies of another person and the Law.    


"Sometimes people would come down into the pit, just to hold our hands and be with us.  Other folk would sometimes look down from the top and say things that I'm sure were meant to be encouraging like "You've still got such a lot to be thankful for...".  I learned a lot about visiting sick people in those 10 weeks that Max was in hospital.  To MY SHAME, I now realised that I've sometimes visited in unhelpful ways.  I used to see my role as being "to cheer them up a bit".
More often than not, I also realised most people prefer to stay at the top and think they are doing good by encouraging from the top.  It is actually worst.  It makes us feel worse and want to retreat into the pit even more than ever.  These are the people though this experience of mine are quite selfish and have not really experienced hardship in life.  But I do believe 'what comes around goes around' so one day, similar experience will be experienced by those who 'judged'.  


To be told brightly, "It could be worse..." WASN'T HELPFUL.  And hearing that "God's got a purpose in allowing this..." or that we must be "going to learn some amazing things through what's happened..." was AWFUL in those early days.  We appreciated those who just came and said "This is tough.  We'll sit in the hole with you."
I have heard the above so many times which was so hurtful.  It makes me angry and wish upon them that something bad will happen to them so they know how awful they have been.  But in the end, I chose to distance myself from them because why make myself feel any worse than I am feeling because people cannot understand my feelings.  I remember sometime last year writing in my FB post "If you want to help me, hold my hand and walk with me.  If you walk faster than me, than I will just fall and stay where I am".


"Well, you begin to know who your true friends are.  And you value your family even more"
This hit me 100%.  I never cherished my family but realised how much I needed them now.  All I have is my son as my family in NZ but even that, I cant have the full experience of a family and being a mother.  I also realised I have very limited friends whom I can rely on.  That was probably the hardest part for me.  


At the end of the day, I now know we lived in a world where everyone is for themselves.  No one would bend over backwards to help someone and to find one person like that in your life is a true blessing.  I know I did.  I know if my grandfather is alive, he will do everything to help me out of this.  I know he will go beyond anything and put everything down for me.  


Also I am still a believer of what goes around comes around.  To those who have just judged or have make things worse, I just know that one day, the same predicament will come to their live, whether it is to themselves or their family.  They will know the feeling of solidarity, of isolation, of imprisonment and lack of support.  

Judge and your will be Judged

Now that we have past the first quarter of 2012, there are many people who talked about the end of the world.  To me, it is a welcomed event.  Yup, I sound like a complete pessimist but I do feel that a new beginning is really what the world need.  The world/society has become a "I am God, I am the Best".  I feel really so tired with all the comments, judgmental thoughts, etc.  


Funny though, I find that people who loves to give comments/advice are the people hardest to take it if the same if offered upon themselves.  Whoever came out with the saying "An empty vessel makes the most noise" is so true.  People who are the most troubled/unhappy will love to belittle, make comments and make other's feel worse to make themselves look and feel good.  


Someone's who judge others as being emotional are actually more emotional themselves, possessive but in actual fact more possessive themselves, depressed because they fail to recognise that they are depress.  Honestly, I really think if you have nothing nice to say, dont say a thing at all.  But then again, this is not good in this current world.  By not saying a thing, you are considered either mentally unstable, not confident or a 'yes sir' person.  Sometimes maybe it's because some of us are not social butterflies and we really dont feel like it is our place to comment and past judgment.  


I think if I were to comment on things that I feel strongly about, I would have offended a good number of people because these are the people who cannot take any comments about themselves or their family.  


Yesterday, I saw in my FB newsfeed, a friend liked a photo.  It was a photo of a cloud shaped in a face and the owner of the photo associated it with God as it God's face.  But some of the comments there was so unnecessary.  Comments that belittle her faith in God.  I mean, seriously, if they do not agree with her, at least either shut up or praise her for having such childlike faith.  Why does people get great joy insulting, belittling, criticising others?  


This is the year of the Dragon and the book of Revelation talks about dragon as the beast.  The Mayan calendar ends this year too.  I really hope and pray that there is salvation...

Inhibitions

After taking a long break, I am back.  With Easter round the corner, I have been busy with church and attending Parish Feast Day.  (and of course learning about Herbalife!)


During the Parish Feast Day, I realised there is such a major food wastage everywhere in the world.  Food is being provided and it seems to be human nature that we do not eat the last morsel on the table as a sign of respect to other people.  But one spoon here and there actually amounts to a lot of food.  I gathered up all the one spoons here and there into my plate and it actually filled up the whole plate!  Haha! Almost felt like Jesus' parable about the 2 fish and 5 loaves feeding the multitude.  


If my ex-husband had been with me, he will be so embarrassed with my collecting all the leftovers to eat but I really couldnt care less anymore.  I am appalled to see people have the attitude "It's only one spoon, I cant take it home".  But one spoon + one spoon + one spoon = lots of spoonful!  


Sometimes I find that we spend too much time worrying how people look at us rather than really do what we want.  I am labelled church mouse but I see it as I am not wasting God's given food to us.  


I used to be one of those that has so much inhibitions and I have to admit that I still do have some but my son has taught me not to feel like this anymore.  Just do what I want as long as my conscience is clear.  If I strongly believe in not wasting food, I will not let comments like 'she eats a lot' stop me.  If I feel that between the age of 1-5 is the only time my son can have freedom, I will not let others make me feel that I am wrong.  Honestly, if you think about it, the only time a human can have total freedom with no responsibility and commitment is the first 5 years of their life.  When school starts, their life is bounded by schedule, exams, etc and then it's work for the rest of the life.  So if he can have the freedom now and maybe slack behind his peers in terms of his ABC or writing, I believe he will catch up.  But at least he has a full carefree childhood. 


Yeah, and I am still criticising the system so I wish I can be the lawmaker and change the entire system in tis world.  A system where there is more respect rather than opinion and rights.  

Direct Sales

For years I avoided it but yesterday I finally agree to doing it - direct selling!  I am always skeptical with the direct sales and multi level marketing concept and have never really supported but circumstances has thrown me to explore this option now.  


My biggest hurdle would be myself to believe in the system.  I have faith in the product as it is sold in 81 countries - Herbalife!  I got to admit the product itself is very expensive but people who follow it vouch that they see a significant difference especially their weight loss.  Hehe! My challenge is to try out their weight gain program and see whether I can gain the 3kgs I need!

However, I can only try the product after I sell the product as it is so costly.  The product is FDA approved, has its own research institute and is chemical free.  For those dairy intolerant, it's soy based!  Though it says that it is a good supplement for anyone from the age 0 to 100, I personally (as a mother) would not recommend it to babies and toddlers as I still think a proper balanced solid meal is still more important  for a child's growth rather than a full balanced diet in a powder form.  


I would say the product is suitable for busy people or women who wants to fit into their desired wedding dress as you could see the results in 2 weeks if it is done properly.  


I am not exactly technical savvy to have my own webpage therefore if anyone who do read my blog and wants to give Herbalife a try, drop a comment with your e-mail in the comment box and I will e-mail you.  As Herbalife is international, your local office in your country will dispatch the goods to you.  Only thing that I get is commission which is what I need as a single stay at home mother.  :)


For those who have no idea what I am ranting about, here is the link to Herbalife website. http://www.herbalife.com/global   Click on your continent - America, Europe, Middle East, Asia Pacific.  Remember to purchase through me!  Help a single stay at home mother out.  

Money Cant Buy Love

Money, money, money - no money no talk.  It really seems so important nowadays.   With money, you can have everything.  You can even buy the law.  And if you are not earning money, you are considered 'useless' to the society.  I am being make guilty for not working and staying at home.  I feel that society nowadays seem to perceive staying at home as a SIN.  Just when I am feeling so low with this money business, someone told me about rich young girls selling their bodies to get a sugar daddy.  I was like "why" when they are already rich.  Apparently they are showered with so many gifts but not with love.  They grow up with a nanny and hardly have time with their parents (who are too busy working) so by teenage years, they crave for love and they think that they could get it through selling their body.  They think that attention given to them through their body equates to love.  

After hearing this, I feel much better because in the end, there will never be enough money.  You can earn $1000/month or $10,000/month but it will never be enough.  Money is measurable and because of that it is never enough but love is immeasurable so we set a imaginary milestone and say that it is enough if we achieve this and that.  A millionaire will think he is still not rich enough.  The day when we realised that money is enough is the day we know we are at the other end of our timeline.  Then we realised that we cannot bring our Ipod, Ipad, IMac, 2000sqft house with us.  We cant even bring our expensive jewellery.   All we can bring is ourself, not even the clothes we are wearing.  Then the regret sets in.  We look at our children but they have all grown up and have learnt to follow our path.  We long to give them a hug and have a tickle and a giggle with them but it is too late.  They have past that stage.  For those without children, they wonder who will be preparing their last rite to exit the world.  


Most of us justify to ourselves that we are working hard to give our children the best.  We want to give them the best toys, the best gadget, the best education, etc.  But what about the 'best love'?  IPod can keep you entertained but not for long, IPad is cool but the novelty of it will run out.  Is going to an expensive school with lots of tuition and ballet classes, guitar classes, violin classes really considered 'giving the best' to our kids?  Or would going to a cheaper school but actually having quality time with our children 'giving the best'?  


Thinking back in time, during the days where women rights have not come about, men work and women stay at home to nurture and care for the children, children grew up OK, families survive and most of the inventors and prominent figures emerged.  Maybe there is a reason why God make men and women different.  HE understands that human beings need love as well as money to survive hence the different role for women and men.  


I am thankful to God to give me this second chance.  I used to be one of those who think that giving the best is lots of money to give to parents and my child.  And working in a western country because of the good exchange rate, better country etc.  In the end, there is no country that is better than another, no education system better than another, no government less corrupt than the other.  The only thing that is better is where you are really loved and you can loved back whole heartedly towards your loved ones, be it your family or your child.  Guess it's where I am happy and being accepted.  

Our Prime Purpose in This Life is To Help Others. And if You Cant Help them, at least dont Hurt Them - Dalai Lama

The title couldnt be more inspiring for my situation.  I stumbled upon the quote when I was feeling isolated.  I felt that people help to look good and make themselves feel good about themselves but only a minority really help because they care.


The church will have an 'Uganda Appeal' and people starts contributing.  They contribute because they felt that it fulfill their obligation to 'help' and it makes them look good and feel good.  But how many actually really cared deeper and wants to know more about why and how the Uganda children are living or take the initiative to research besides money, how else the Uganda children could be helped?  Like adopting one of them instead of doing IVF?  Or as a doctor, offering pro-bono care for them for a year?


Asking for help doesnt come easily for me because of pride but when I do, I am touched with some of the support I get.  But with some, knowing how fragile my emotion and faith is, they have succeeded in making me lose faith.  Saying things like "Let me pray to God first whether I should help".  Oh wow, my first feeling was "If God is like this being so conditional, I sincerely have my doubt about HIM or should I have my doubt about the person's faith?  Seriously, Dalai Lama's quote "...... but if you cant help, at least dont hurt them" is more humane than "Let me check with God whether you deserve help".


Anyway, what goes around comes around, whether it is a church teaching or some other teaching and I sincerely believe in that.  So today's blog will end with a special message to the ex- husband's lawyer whom I know snoops around the internet for anything she could about me.  You are a mother, a woman, and what goes around comes around.  Dont hurt people on the basis of the law.

Another Abduction

Headlines again - another child abduction.  And woo hoo, the Prime Minister is involved because it has already happened.  But when he is confronted as to why all these abduction is happening, he rather turn a deaf ear.  So the NZ policy is "Let things happen and then we can go on headline again!"  "Yipee! We are on the news again."   Cheap publicity Mr Prime Minister.  Link to his speech: Kiwi Custody Battle In Algeria - Yahoo! New Zealand News Video

Well, what can I say from all these:  Dont marry out of your country!  If you are so in love, insist on marrying in your home country (if you are a woman).

Let's see, now we can have this scenario :
1) Woman meet Man from another country.  But now she is very aware of the law and insist that Man marries and stay in her home country.

2) Man convinces Woman to marry in his country.  Also aware of potential kidnapping, he quickly get a Non-Removal Order on the child as soon as the child is born

3) Man convinces Woman to marry in his country.  After birth, Woman feels unsupported and know that it is heading downhill.  Quickly she goes home to her country on the pretext of visiting parents and never return.

Honestly, is this how inter-country/inter-cultural marriage is going to end up?  If the world didnt end in 2012, we will soon have no inter cultural/ inter country marriages because of the law.

What do I want?  Well, I want the same thing as my whole blog which is woman and man is different when it comes to being a parent.  Gives the woman priority when it comes to the children.  Sorry, I know man will hate me for this but it has been done for years and it did worked out OK.  Unfair to man, definitely, but it did worked out and the children of divorces grew up OK.

Secondly, do not make relocation a fight in the court.  Make relocation a criteria just like immigration.  Set a set of criteria and if it is met, allow relocation.  Criteria:
1)  Are the mother and child well provided financially?
2) Are the mother and child well provided emotionally?
3) What is the comparison lifestyle for the mother and child if they relocate compare to staying behind?
4) What are the intentions of the father that prevent relocation?  If it is for physical bonding with the child, it is not good enough.  Why could he micromanage two person's life on that basis?

The quote "The child is a NZ born child, therefore must live in NZ" is probably one of the reason why child abduction is happening. And the charge out rate of lawyers in NZ is another reason why a parent rather abduct than to do it legally.  You will end up bankrupt with no certainly of relocating.  The chances of being able to relocate is based on the Judge of the day.  If he or she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed or have been brought up to think that Asian's live in trees, then you would have wasted $20k or more just to be told NO.



 

Euthanasia

Looking at my poor fish, I can totally understand why people performed euthanasia.  I know it's considered 'murder' but it's actually merciful killing.  It's done out of love and compassion.

I look at my poor fish.  Fins disintegrating, one eye almost gone from the fungus but it is still alive. At least that's what I feel with its gills opening and closing.  It is not eating, has lost tremendous weight but a true fighter as it is still not dead.  I showed my dad on skype and my dad suggested that I should bury the fish.  Save the fish from all the pain and misery.  Unfortunately, I couldnt get myself to do it.  I still see a fish that has live in it...  but when I look at fish, I also feel so upset.  It is really suffering.

However this shed a new light on the Euthanasia.  I think the law and society is quite harsh on people who performed euthanasia.  I know it is wrong but the action behind that merciful killing is actually love.  It is very painful to see someone/something you love dying slowly especially when it reached an inevitable stage.  I mean, I wonder if fish can talk, will fish ask me to stop giving him treatment and let him go?  I have a tendency of clinging on to things and I do wonder is fish holding on because I keep talking to it and encouraging it to fight the disease.

A part of me wants to stop the water treatment so that fish can go peacefully and quickly but a part of me cannot do it.  I feel that I am being unfair if I let fish go without trying every possible way to keep it alive.  I do now wonder which is the lesser of the two evil?  Let it die peacefully or fight but see it suffer?

I know these are the questions that actually go through a person's mind before assisting in euthanasia.  It is a very hard and difficult decision.  We should try to put ourselves in their shoes before judging them.  In my case, it is just a fish and it is tearing my heart.  What more, if it is a human that we love so much?  So much that it hurts to see them in pain and suffering...