Support

I was given a copy of Grapevine from my son's Mainly Music class for Easter.  I browsed through and read the interview of a couple struck by stroke and how their life changes.  It is not the interview that caught my attention but some of the things the wife of the stroke victim said.  It reassured me that I am not alone in my feelings and thoughts about the 'support' system which only when you are struck with trouble and at your lowest, you realised there is less than a handful who will stand by you and believe in you and hold your hand to walk with you.  


Some of her words which is exactly how I feel:
"There was a glimmer at the top where we knew the rest of the world still carried on - but without us" - people who commented about me does not know how it feels to pack their child's bag and send them away for a few nights while I have to live with the loneliness in a country where I dont have any close support.  People who travel do not know how it feels when travelling is restricted to the whims and fancies of another person and the Law.    


"Sometimes people would come down into the pit, just to hold our hands and be with us.  Other folk would sometimes look down from the top and say things that I'm sure were meant to be encouraging like "You've still got such a lot to be thankful for...".  I learned a lot about visiting sick people in those 10 weeks that Max was in hospital.  To MY SHAME, I now realised that I've sometimes visited in unhelpful ways.  I used to see my role as being "to cheer them up a bit".
More often than not, I also realised most people prefer to stay at the top and think they are doing good by encouraging from the top.  It is actually worst.  It makes us feel worse and want to retreat into the pit even more than ever.  These are the people though this experience of mine are quite selfish and have not really experienced hardship in life.  But I do believe 'what comes around goes around' so one day, similar experience will be experienced by those who 'judged'.  


To be told brightly, "It could be worse..." WASN'T HELPFUL.  And hearing that "God's got a purpose in allowing this..." or that we must be "going to learn some amazing things through what's happened..." was AWFUL in those early days.  We appreciated those who just came and said "This is tough.  We'll sit in the hole with you."
I have heard the above so many times which was so hurtful.  It makes me angry and wish upon them that something bad will happen to them so they know how awful they have been.  But in the end, I chose to distance myself from them because why make myself feel any worse than I am feeling because people cannot understand my feelings.  I remember sometime last year writing in my FB post "If you want to help me, hold my hand and walk with me.  If you walk faster than me, than I will just fall and stay where I am".


"Well, you begin to know who your true friends are.  And you value your family even more"
This hit me 100%.  I never cherished my family but realised how much I needed them now.  All I have is my son as my family in NZ but even that, I cant have the full experience of a family and being a mother.  I also realised I have very limited friends whom I can rely on.  That was probably the hardest part for me.  


At the end of the day, I now know we lived in a world where everyone is for themselves.  No one would bend over backwards to help someone and to find one person like that in your life is a true blessing.  I know I did.  I know if my grandfather is alive, he will do everything to help me out of this.  I know he will go beyond anything and put everything down for me.  


Also I am still a believer of what goes around comes around.  To those who have just judged or have make things worse, I just know that one day, the same predicament will come to their live, whether it is to themselves or their family.  They will know the feeling of solidarity, of isolation, of imprisonment and lack of support.