Knitting - step by step learning

My situation and my new 'can do' outlook has started me on knitting.  On 26 December 2010, with just a borrowed needle and the knit stitch, I pushed myself to learn knitting.  I have to admit, my determination is also spurred by the fact that 'queen bee' is supposedly good at knitting and I am hopeless in anything housewifey.  

Stage 1 - learning the knit and purl stitch and that resulted in this plain uneven scarf for my son.  At least I finished it!  

Stage 2 - I tried to knit with different yarn.  (p/s, it's because I know queen bee cannot knit with yarns other than wool).  This is a baby poncho for a friend.  I love the feel of the yarn.

Stage 3 - I learnt how to read a pattern.  It was like reading codes , K, P, SSK, Ptog, Ktog.  Thank God for the internet.  With the help of knittinghelp.com  I managed to learn how to read pattern and did my first blouse.  (which by now has shrunk half the size because I put it in the dryer!)

Stage 4 - now I am much more confident, I decided to knit with 2 colours.  Here is the result of the vest for my son. 

Stage 5 - My friend was praising circular needle.  I thought, what the heck.  I will try to master it too.  Here is the shrug knitted with straight needle and circular needle.  

Stage 6 - With all the confidence, I took up the challenge to knit a nativity/crib set for my son.  It took me 8 weeks to finish this set, just in time for Christmas.  Only shepherd was completed after Christmas day.  I have to say I am really proud of my nativity set.  Even got an order from the church to knit one set for the presbytery.  

All these was achieved in 1 year and 5 days. I  started picking up my first knitting needle on 26 December 2010 and completed shepherd on 30 December 2011.  Giving myself a pat on the back for this achievement.  :D

Kidnapping Vs Heroine

Here I am attacking Betty Mahmoody which after reading Conversation with God, attack is a cry for help.  I also think I am jealous of Betty Mahmoody.  Why Sally Field played her role in the movie and why the world hail her as a Heroine but if any of us try to do so (especially an Asian) even if we have the same intentions and love for our child, we become the 'bad person'.  Aarrrgghhh!!  Please give me some fairness here!

When Betty Mahmoody escaped Iran with her daughter Mahtob, she is considered the heroine, the great mother who will go the extraordinary length for the love of her child. Even Hollywood re-created her story with Sally Field playing her role. However, if another person performs the same dramatic rescue to be with her child and the person is of Asian descent, it is then considered kidnapping even though her intentions are similar to Betty Mahmoody, which is for the LOVE OF HER CHILD.

Similar to Betty, I am in a cross cultural marriage that has gone wrong. The only difference is, Betty is the westerner in the marriage while I am the Asian in the marriage. Like Betty, I feel alone, unloved and unsupported where I am because I do not have my family around me. Unlike Betty dramatic escape, I decided to take the 'correct' path which is asked for permission to leave and go home for some respite with my son. Unfortunately, I am instead looked upon as wanting to take my son away from his father whom has walked out on us. As such, a parental order has been made to prevent me from leaving the country. So now, each time I want to visit my parents, I have to be at my ex-husband's mercy as to whether I can go for one week or one month or risk losing my son.

The law emphasized on the bond a child required with both parents growing up which I can comprehend but the law are man made rules. It does not take into consideration cultural differences and human rights/needs for love and support from family. Now, my life is basically in jail where I need permission to see my parents or to take my child out of the country. When I am sick, no one is there to offer help as friends could not provide unconditional love and support the way family does. These man made rules in New Zealand also do not require the man to pay alimony but just child support so I am not only emotionally and psychologically drained, I am also financially drained. And all because I wanted to go down the 'correct' path. If I had done what Betty Mahmoody had done, would I be considered a loving mother who loves her child and wants to give him a good happy family or would I be considered a kidnapper? I would think the latter as I am of Asian descent.

To all the women out there thinking that it is an honour to be in a cross cultural marriage, do bear in mind that things do go wrong sometimes. Do not make the same mistake as me. As for me, I have resigned to fate that I have to be in New Zealand by myself until my son is 18 years old or risk losing him forever.

Being a Single Mother

I am a bit pissed off people seem to think a stay at home mother is an easy job.  They think we 'shake legs' and play mahjong, go for dim sum, manicure etc.  Our 'job' is 24/7.  There is no shut down time.  We are every profession put into one name - MOTHER.  

Being a single mother means all professions wrapped under the name Mother. Here are my musings on being a single mother:

• A CEO
You must be assertive to let your little tantrum thrower toddler know who is the CEO. Your child can only hold the role of a COO. Competency achieved - Leadership.
• A Worker
You must also have the humility to be their little slave such as cleaning after their mess after a meal, perpetually picking up toys from the floor and if you are in the process of toilet training, cleaning up their little accidents. Competency achieved - Humility.
• A Project Manager
You will need extreme managerial skills to manage your little one as well as maintain a household which includes food on the table, pantry stocked up, clean clothing, vacuumed floors and also play time for the little one. Getting a right balance between housework and stimulation time requires precise time management skill. Competency achieved - Time Management.
• A Yogi
'Inhale, exhale' becomes your day to day mantra. When your tantrum throwing toddler drives you up the wall, you will need the calamity of a yogi to handle the situation. As a reverse, you will also need to teach your highly energetic toddler to relax and have a quiet time. Competency achieved - Calamity which is important in a big organisation of multiple characteristics.
• A Doctor
A doctor is renowned for their long working hours. As a mother, you could be up for days taking care of a sick child. When they were younger, your sleep pattern is heavily disturbed by a baby that constantly needs feeding, changing and burping. Despite the lack of sleep, you need to remain completely alert the following day. Surviving the sleep deprivation of motherhood makes working 48 hours shift a piece of cake. Competency achieved - Mental alertness despite tiredness, a trait necessary to meet deadlines.
• A Financial Analyst
Despite everything, you will find yourself looking out for deals on diapers, milk powder and toys. You begin making comparison of different brands and place to get the best deal so subconsciously, you have developed a skill with numbers. Competency achieved - Analytical.
• A Strategic Planner - Outwit, Outlast, Outsmart!
Your patience will be tested as your child discovers themselves. Since they have everlasting energy, outlasting them requires stamina, therefore the option to outwit and outsmart them is also important. Perhaps all single mothers should participate in Survivor! Competency achieved - Survivor skills.
• A Contortionist
Your little one will start throwing or maybe hiding stuff in areas that you would never imagine. You find yourself contorting beyond your natural pose to retrieve some of these lost items. Skills achieved - Flexibility.
• A Gym Instructor
A normal person works out in the gym a couple of times a week carrying weights probably no more than 10 minutes in each session. As a mother, you are constantly carrying over 10kg weight, lifting them from their highchair, car seat, into their cot or just for a cuddle. Those biceps and triceps will be nicely developed. If you are small in stature, you will soon learn to adapt to carrying such load in a manner that suits your body size. Skills achieved - Physical Strength.
• An Engineer/Repairwoman
When you are not looking, there goes your little one dismantling things or breaking whatever their hands could get on to. You soon realise that you have become quite inept with all the electronic gadgets at home when they are not working. Similarly, your DIY (Do It Yourself) skill also improved as you could not ring a repairman each time your child breaks or wreck something. Skills achieved - Independent and All Rounder.
• A Daddy
Of course, as a single mother, you will also need to play the role of a Daddy to compensate for the missing parent figure half the time.

For the Love of a Child

A very tearful day for me.  My mum leaves NZ and I feel like a child - all alone, unloved.  I am an emotional wreck tonight.  I am also very angry with the NZ family law.  I am also angry with the world so here I wrote this to channel my anger towards the West.  

My mum leaves to go home today. It is back to just my son and I in New Zealand. The emptiness is overwhelming on this first night for both my son and I. Although I am proud of him for holding up so well as a toddler, after 3 months of having my family pampering him. Tonight, in the still of the night, I felt compelled to write to Betty Mahmoody. She is the author of Not Without My Daughter and For The Love of A Child. Unfortunately I could not find her contact details anywhere on the internet. Therefore I decided to pen my feelings in my blogsite.

In Not Without My Daugther, Betty talks about her courageous escape from Iran back to the US after being kidnapped by her husband. Her second book, For The Love of A Child, talks about the courageous extremes a left behind parent would undertake to get their child back. When I read Betty's books, I was not a separated woman with a toddler therefore I had the same feelings of 'disgust' towards the parent that takes the child away. Now that I am a single mother, in a country where I have no family and most friends have their own family, I could totally understand the actions of that parent. The one conclusion I could draw from For The Love of A Child is all the parent that 'kidnapped' the children go back to their hometown, where their families reside. All the cases mentioned in Betty's book are children result of a bi-cultural marriage. One spouse moves into the country of the other spouse, has children and later decided to bring their child/children back to their origin country. What was not mentioned in Betty's book is the reason why these parents took their child back? Is it the lack of support from their spouse or they realised that bringing up a child without the support of their own family is quite a task? Or could it be that they have discussed their wishes with their spouse but it was turned down so they resorted to desperate measure?

I do wish I could also go back to my hometown for love and support but I do not want to be labelled a 'kidnapper' and the father of my child will become the helpless left behind parent although in essence, he walked out of the relationship. Of course I did discuss with the father of my child whether I could go back for some respite for a couple of years until its schooling years for our child. The answer is a blatant no for the reason that he would still like to see his child once a week. For this one reason, I decided to stay back in New Zealand, out of respect for him as the father.

Here I am all by myself nurturing my child and hoping that this is the best decision for him. In the meantime, I would like everyone out there who blamed parents who 'kidnapped' their child/children back to their hometown to really understand the situation before forming a biased opinion on them. Being alone in a country without support and with a child can be tough financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. I was affected by a bad bout of bad health which could be due to emotional stress and environmental (extremely cold winter). Without my family and for the love of my child, I chose to not admit myself to the hospital for pneumonia but chugged along at home so that I could be there for my child. I do not deny since my separation, I am extra protective over my child because I feel indebted to him. It does get really tough and so far I thank God for giving me the strength to continue nurturing my child all by myself.

Change

I am so tired of hearing the word CHANGE.  Therapist says that, family says that, friends says that.  Do they really know what they are saying or are they just quoting the general view - change will always help.  I dont know what everyone mean by changing.  So here is my rebellious view on CHANGE..

Change - that's a word that I realised have been overused by everyone without fully comprehending what it means.  With my failing marriage, I get the same advice - 'Both of you need to change'.  Honestly, what does that mean?  Do we change to adapt to each other or do we change so that one party is happy the other party is behaving the way he/she expects?  Would this actually work in the long run?  I am surprised nobody says that accept, adapt and endure is the essence to the marriage. 

On CHANGE, I realised that I do not know how to change.  I brought into my marriage what I know from my upbringing.  I am used to my mum cleaning whilst my dad cooks.  I never see my parents going on dates or hugging or kissing.  And I remember looking forward to weekends because we get to go out as a family.  As such, that moulded me to the wife/mother I am today.  No doubt, I also grew up looking at other families that are intimate or TV shows showing a 'happy family' and thought to myself "that would be nice" but am always told not to confuse reality and fantasy.  Hence, here I am doing exactly what my mother does - clean, nurture my child and cook for the family thinking that this is adequate and has performed my duties as a wife and mother.  In my fantasy, I thought that it would be nice to have expensive clothes, jewellery and going for facial/spa but in reality, I have also adopted my mother's thriftiness and settle for simple and cheap lifestyle.  Now that I have a son, I put his needs ahead of mine.  This essentially comes across to certain people as not loving myself and I cannot be in a loving relationship if I do not love myself.  But I perceive it as loving my son unconditionally and making sure that he gets the best.  Is this perception due to different upbringing? 

Therefore when my husband talked about the 3 relationships that are lacking, it's all very new and strange to me because my perception of a family is one that involves everyone in the family and not each one as a separate entity.   I then realised is what he wants a result of his upbringing or a result of his perceived idea of a marriage and family?

We all bring into a relationship our expectation and perception but most important we also bring along our upbringing and culture (in my case).  My expectation of a family is one happy laughing family that spend every moment together, my child waking up and jumping up and down in our bed, my husband adores both of us together that he feels like he is the happiest man on earth, the house is full of drawings/photos and colours from my child scribbling, toys scattered everywhere, etc.  In short, a perfect home but not a perfect house.  That is my perception which definitely is not inline with my husband's so in this instance what does CHANGE entail? 

With my upbringing, I am not a lovey dovey intimate person.  Am I able to change who I am for the past 30 years or would it be better for us to adapt to each other's personality and mould each other to let go of our inhibitions?  I admit that I am a mathematical person so in my decisions and life, I seem to view it as black and white.  Maybe if my husband 'creates' scenarios where I can release my inhibitions, it is helping me to change?  Similarly, I feel that my husband goes through life wearing a 'mask/façade' which he denies.   Instead of dwelling on the fact that he is wearing a 'mask/façade', maybe I should have also created situations for him to 'unmask' and let go of his inhibitions too?  I do not think this is changing each other but helping each other to adapt to each other's lifestyle and expectation. 

I can only bring into my marriage what I know from observation of my parents and family members and I am sure this applies to my husband.   However, I can bring into my son's life a different perspective because I have been a child before.  I know I am easily disappointed when someone promises something and then change their mind.  As such, I do not want my son to experience that kind of disappointment therefore even though I am sick, if I have promised to take him to the park, I will do so regardless.  To some, this is a sign of weakness for not being able to say no to my child.  To me, it is keeping a promise to a little one.  As a child, I remember I did not like the fact that there is a clear distinction between the adults and the children.  I grew up listening and taking the elders ideas/words as it is without much questioning because that was the way I was brought up.  The elders always know best but when you get too old and incapable, you get treated like a child again.  However, I knew that affected me so in bringing up my son, I remember telling him when he was just 2 months old "it's your first time being a child and my first time being a mother, so let's collaborate.  You work with me and I will work with you".  So maybe to my husband's perception, I adapt to my son's whims and fancies but in fact, we are both learning to adapt to each other.   Maybe if I adopt this same principle in my marriage, things will be different?

My parents' marriage has lasted over 30 years so has my husband's parents.  I do not think there is a right and wrong way in a marriage / family but our parents just adapted and accepted each other for whom the other party is and the results are us, their kids, bringing their upbringing into our own life.  It is difficult to for two different people from two different upbringing, culture and educational background to live together, what more when there is a third person in the form of a child?  I just feel that each family/ couple is different and if we spend time wishing things were different i.e married couples with no children envy those with family and those with family envying the single carefree life of childless couple, there will never be true contentment or happiness. 

Through this process, I have also noticed that everyone of us has taken the role of Justice Pao.  We comment/judge based on our own yardstick which essentially is our upbringing.  Some of us think that just because we are smarter, richer, more successful, we are naturally a class above.  This applies in my relationship because when I chose to give up my career to care for my child, I get conflicting support - one that supports my decision to SACRIFICE and one that is totally unsupportive  indicating clinginess to my child, laziness to work etc.  I appreciate friends and family that supported me and to those who do not support, it occurs that they are judging me based on their opinion/upbringing and never once really asked me why or try to comprehend my situation.  In their mind, I have dropped a class lower by not working therefore any decisions I make are of second rating.

The one thing I have learnt is people kept asking for changes and thinking that changes will improve things but what is CHANGE?  Change to suit one person's yardstick and then offend another?  A friend asked me over the weekend whether I love my husband.  I answered him yes and also yes to the question, I would like to see this relationship work.  But these are just words and feelings which is inadequate to overcome our differences.  If for this to work, I have to change to conform to my husband's upbringing, I am unable to do so and I am sure he would not like me to 'change' into someone I am not.  In my honest opinion, my marriage, my family could only be saved if my husband, myself and my son are willing to accept each other as we are.  My husband talks about the three different relationships but in my yardstick, I think if the three of us could stand united and think as one, we are already halfway through the battle.  So in short, my husband is looking for three different relationships within the family and I am looking for unity of three to merge as one -  who has to change to make this work?  Or adapt, accept, endure and respect are all needed to make this work?

Love or Money

I wrote this because of a question my brother posted and I gave it some thought and this is my opinion.  I would say I have revolved from someone who sees material possessions as success to someone who prefers intangible possessions such as love, care as success.  

Is money more important or love?  This has been a debate for centuries.  A balance of both is ideal but what is considered a balance of both?  Is a balance means having a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your body and a happy family or does it mean a condominium with facilities, dining out every other day and branded clothing once a month and a family with career oriented parents and children that have money to spend on their needs?  The latter does not sound overly ridiculous either as some will associate providing for the family as love.

In this day and age "No Money No Talk' and "No Money No Love" are common catchy phrases that even little kids could utter.  When finding your life partner, what is the weightage that we put in money compare to compatibility?  For example, if you meet someone you fancy but he/she is not able to provide you with the luxury you crave, do you 'let go' of the possibility of having a beautiful relationship on the basis that without money could ultimately lead to disappointment or sufferance?

There is no straightforward answer to this matter.  Money is definitely important as love alone cannot fill the stomach.  However it is not necessary to have the best of everything in life.  Living within your means could be the yardstick to use.  Having lots of money is also not necessarily a good thing.  There are cases out there where children from career minded and rich parents, and get any material things they want actually crave for love and attention to the extent of breaking the law to get the attention.

If you meet someone you love and he could provide security and love, with adequate food for the family, do not covet your friends or neighbours that could afford an extravagant lifestyle.  Sometimes what you could see on the outside may not necessarily depict what is happening behind closed door.  Is it not better to have a loving happy family than a rich but unhappy family?  For me, I use to choose money but now I just want a fulfilling life that is true and happy and not one that have to live with a façade.  Money sometimes comes with a price to pay - you might lose yourself.

My Honest Confession

28/10/2010 - I faced my inner feelings and confessed my innermost pride as the downfall in my marriage.  It's painful writing this but I faced my demon today.  As of today, I am proud to say I love being an Asian and am proud of everything Asian.  I am just a Real Woman, a Mother.  

I am just a typical girl next door, born to a simple family. As a child, I have been quite an ambitious, opinated person and these characteristics have been the key to my success as well as downfall in life.

A bit on my childhood - both my parents are working parents so I was raised by my maternal grandparents and am exceptionally close to my grandfather whom I call Ah Qong. Ah Qong loves me unconditionally and his love has sheltered me most of my life until his passing. Life with Ah Qong and Poh Poh (grandmother) is simple but I remember being carefree and happy. Upon his passing, I became lost and start creating milestones of happiness for myself.

Like all ambitious young Asian girls, these are some my milestones which I perceived would bring me HAPPINESS:

• Move to a western country (overseas) by the age of 25

• Successful career by the age of 30

• Have my own property before the age of 30

• Married to an ang moh (westerner) by the age of 30 with kids

When I completed secondary school, I was so sure that I will study overseas but unfortunately that never materialised and I ended up in a local university. That compelled me to excel and get a job in a company where overseas transfer is a possibility and that 'milestone' is achieved when I finally got transferred to the head company in New Zealand. First tick on the checklist achieved. But am I happy? No, I was shocked with the quiet and mundane lifestyle but convinced myself this milestone is checked and to move on.

Driven by my milestones of happiness, I job hopped to get to the pay and position I desire which ultimately materialised my property milestone. Another two milestones checked. Well, I might not be a CEO of a company but at least I am holding a senior position. Again I am not happy because there is still a void in me. I thought to myself, maybe if I achieve that marriage and child milestone, life will be complete.

Now, the last milestones to happiness will be the story I am going to share....

I did not achieve my last milestone by the age of 30 but nevertheless I did achieve that milestone. Initially everything is seen through a coloured glass and our cultural and upbringing incompatibility is overlooked. The 'Me, Myself and I' in him is not ideal but acceptable because we both have our own separate career, friends, lifestyle and I believed that once we have a child, he will be the ultimate loving father. Then came the good news - I am pregnant. Through my pregnancy, he was really supportive and loving. I could not have been happier.

Then the little one came along and I will never forget the feeling of holding him in my arms. It brought a true sense of happiness, joy and love that I have been searching for. My whole perspective of live and happiness finally have a true meaning. That void has been filled! I finally felt that feeling of love and happiness again since the death of my beloved Ah Qong. It replaces all the material milestones I have set upon myself in search of happiness. However this sense of happiness has a shadow hanging over as we discovered that we are completely different and have very different parenting skills. Restriction are being imposed and I was not allowed to have my son sleeping in the same room as us because it disrupts his sleep, not allowed to bed share, not allowed to use baby monitor as it picks up every single noise and disrupt his sleep and lots more.

When I made my decision to be a full time mother because I have finally found true happiness, he crucifies me by being no longer supportive emotionally and financially.

My perspective of life and importance shifted tremendously as I see my son grows. Where I once was ashamed of my Chinese culture has now become important. I want my son to know his roots as part Chinese part Kiwi. Where I once was a Sunday Christian has also taken a deeper meaning so that there is always guidance and support for my son and also to know the importance of God in his life. In terms of status, career and material hoardings, these seem so petty and provide false happiness. Of course, the concept of the grass is greener on the other side has also shown its true colours.

In short, I have finally found true happiness in my son. It comes in the form of a little miracle that salivates, cries and screams and NOT in the four happiness milestones I have carved out for myself. Have I made the right decision to give up everything I have achieved for my son? Without a single regret, yes I have, even if I have to live my life being ostracised by my husband and his family. Is this worth it? Again the answer is yes because I finally found that happiness cannot be bought or measured but must come from within the heart and knowing who you are. I have evolved from the Modern Woman into a Real Woman.

Now I am at the crossroad in my life..... do I stay in a failed marriage so that my son does not come from a broken family and also to maintain 'face value/facade' as failure is not a vocabulary in the Modern Woman world or admit defeat of my own failure and pursue true happiness with my son and the rest of my life as a Real Woman?

Love Stories

OK, I am feeling lovey -dovey after watching my favourite Lam Fung's shows.  So I compiled all the love stories that meant something to me and dissected them to suit my thinking and fantasy.  The first is FATE and LOVE and the second is LOVE and COMMITMENT


Fate and Love

How closely related is Fate to finding Love? To those who view life with practicality, fate does not play a role in finding love, however to those hopeless romantics, love and fate goes hand in hand.

Fate is when someone passes your life regardless whether it is for a short or long period of time, whether they make an impression or not. Basically any chance encounter is fate. In short fate already plays the first step in getting to know your friends, enemies and life partner. The subsequent steps to be with your life partner could be fate as well as circumstances related.

In the Chinese mystical stories, there is a beautiful story of love and fate titled Butterfly Lovers. It is set in the Eastern Jin Dynasty between two scholars; Zhu Yingtai and Liang Shanbo.

Zhu Yintai is an attractive and intelligent young woman who manages to convince her father to allow her to attend classes disguises as a young man. During that era, women attending classes is unheard of. On her journey to Hangzhou, she befriended another scholar, Liang Shanbo. Unbeknown to Liang Shanbo that Zhu Yingtai is a woman, they gathered soil as incense and took a fraternity oath in the pavilion of a thatched bridge.

For the next three years as they study together, Zhu Yingtai began to develop feelings for Liang Shanbo. However Liang Shanbo failed to notice that Zhu Yingtai is a woman and continued treating her like his fraternity brother.

One day, Zhu Yingtai was requested home by her father. Over the three years, Zhu Yingtai has already developed such strong feelings for Liang Shanbo and has made a private vow in her heart to be with him for eternity. Prior to her departure, she reveals her true identity to the headmaster's wife and requests her to hand over a jade pendant to Liang as a betrothal gift.

As Liang Shanbo accompanied Zhu Yingtai off, she hinted about her identity by comparing their 'relationship' as a pair of mandarin ducks (symbolic of lovers in the Chinese culture). However, Liang Shanbo failed to get her hint. As a last resort, she decided to matchmake Liang Shanbo with her sister and they parted ways under the Changting pavilion where they made their fraternity oath.

Months later, Liang Shanbo kept to his promise and visited Zhu Yingtai to ask for her sister's hand in marriage. Upon arrival, he was surprised to see that his 'sworn brother' is actually a woman. He fell in love with her and they make a vow "till death do us part". However, before they could be joined in union, they discovered that Zhu Yingtai's family has already betrothed her to Ma Wencai, son of a rich family.

A heartbroken Liang Shanbo health deteriorates when he heard the news and later passed away.

On the day of the arranged marriage for Zhu Yingtai, a mysterious whirlwind prevented the wedding procession beyond Liang Shanbo's grave, which lies along the journey. A sad and depressed Zhu Yingtai left her wedding procession and ran to Liang Shanbo's grave begging the grave to open up. With a clap of thunder, the grave opened up and Zhu Yingtai threw herself in to join Liang Shanbo. It is believed that their spirits turn into a pair of beautiful butterflies and are never to be separated again.

This Chinese mystical story strongly indicates that once you are fated with a person, that person will be your soul mate/life partner for life. However, in reality, the person that you are fated with might not be the person you marry and the person who is your soul mate may also not necessarily be your life partner. Unlike a mystical story, love and fate sometimes do not go hand in hand till the end.

Love and Commitment

Many emphasized commitment as an essential part of a relationship. However to what extend could we commit ourselves in the name of love? The 6000 steps love story between two committed individual shows true commitment and love without boundaries.

The 6000 steps love story talks about Liu Gojiang and Xu Chaogin. Lu is only 19 years old when he fell in love with Xu who is 10 years his senior and a widower. Their relationship was not accepted by the society due to her widowed status and age gap (mentioned in my article The Rules Of Love). As a result of the gossips, both of them moved to live in a cave up the mountain by JiangQin Country. Life was harsh in the cave as they do not even have the basic necessity. Xu felt guilty but Liu is determined that as long as they love each other, they could survive any ordeal. Everyday, Liu will hand carve steps from the mountain to enable his wife to get up and down the mountain easily. After over 50 years together, Liu passed away in the cave and has crafted 6000 steps for his wife. According to their children, their parents lived in seclusion all these years and have never been apart at all. It is rumoured that on the day Liu passed away, he was still griping strongly to Xu's hands. His love for her was so strong that at death, he was still holding her hands. Xu was completely devastated and cried non-stop repeating "You promised me you'll take care of me, you'll always be with me until the day I die, now you left before me, how am I going to live without you?"

This is a touching story of true love, commitment and unconditional love. Are we able to really commit to someone to this extent in this modern era? Most of us seem to have subconsciously listed conditions in our love and commitment to each other. When the going gets tough or these conditions are not met or faced with a challenge, it is often we take the easy way out which is separation. The common reason is incompatibility though the actual reason is expectations not met.

We are often faced with many challenges in a relationship. They are tests to either strengthen our relationship but it could also be an indication of flaws that needs attending. All we could do is to give our best, try to be unconditional and accepting and if all fails, be brave to face the truth.

Rules of Love

I dont know why I wrote this today.  I must be feeling a bit 'rejected' and cynical.  Oh well, I am allowed to by cynical as letting your emotions out is good.  No use bottling it inside, isnt it.  Maybe a part of me was thinking of good guys I have met in the past which have been so good to  me but they are not of 'equal status'. How stupid I was when I was younger. Reminder to self - dont make the same mistake again. 

These rules of love are only applicable in the Asian culture. I have no idea who 'invented' these rules but they seem to have an effect on the society even in this modern era. 

• An older woman cannot date a younger man

Till today, if you ask a woman, she will prefer to date a man older than her rather than a man younger than her. The odds of the opposite occurring are probably 2:10. Why is that? I have no idea who and how this rule came about but it seems to have an impact on the age difference in a relationship. Those who actually date someone younger will get a different reaction as though it is not a 'normal' relationship. I presume this could be due to the reason that younger man is considered immature but in reality, age is just a number and not a sign of maturity. Will this perception change in time to come? 

• Must date someone of an equal status

In the Asian culture, it is always encouraged to date someone of the same social status as the family background. When a girl from a poor family dates a guy from a rich family, it is often perceived as monetary oriented. There is even a Chinese saying for this rule. Similarly, education qualification has the same effect. An uneducated person dating an educated person will yield similar gossip. 

• Divorced women are considered second hand goods

The common advice to a divorced woman "If the guy can accept you despite of the fact that you're divorced, you better be appreciative of him. You no longer have the right to talk about love". The Asian society shuns divorced woman as discarded goods and a man who will accept a divorced woman as a good man. This rule is probably applicable in the old Asian days but its stigma has stayed on through generations of Asians. Because of this 'rule', divorce is still considered a taboo in many ways in the Asian culture and divorce woman loses all self dignity and appreciation for themselves. 

• If a man is successful, he is good

This 'rule' plays in almost every woman and parents mind though they do not realise it. One of the first question asked of a man is "What do you do?" If the answer is doctor, lawyer, engineer or any other blue collared jobs, you will get a smile in return. If the answer is unfavourable, an "Oh" is usually the answer. When the man gets introduced to the parents and if his profession is favourable, the parents usually say that he is a good man. Honestly, this correlation of profession equals to being a good man is no longer applicable. Again, when will this perception change and we could break out of this rule and see someone for his actions rather than his profession?

These rules though unwritten have an impact on the mindset of dating couples. Isn't it a waste to see a relationship not materialising on the basis of age difference or being with a successful man who treats woman with no respect? Having rules are good but it is not the bible to a relationship. There could and must be exception.

What Is Love

Similar to Conversation with God, today I kept asking What is Love.  And the answer I get is Love is how you perceive it.  So I decided to write down how I perceived Love (hoping if someone out there might share the same view as me!) :)

For some people, it is when you gaze and daydream about the person and 'worship' the person every waking hour. For others, it is that heart palpitation and warm feeling you get when the person is around. However, these are physical feelings which could change or dissipate with time. My definitions of love are:

Caring and Nurturing

My Asian upbringing put a lot of emphasis in the word CARE. Care is almost equivalent to love as I was not brought up to profess love openly. Growing up, I was instilled with advice such as "taking care of your parents when you've grown up", "when you become a wife, you must take care of your husband" and "when you are a mother, you must give the best care to your child". As such, I show my love to my family by caring and nurturing them. As a daughter, I show my love to my parents by providing for them financially. Due to my upbringing, I honestly could say that I have never utter the word' Love You' to my parents but it does not mean I do not love them. As a wife, I ensure that my husband has food, clean laundry and a presentable home to return to. Unfortunately this is the Asian way of showing love which can be considered rather strange in a western affectionate upbringing. As a mother, I am constantly nurturing and worrying for my little one. In short, I was brought up to show my love through my actions.

Honesty and Trust

Loving someone also mean being able to completely trust the person and be honest with the person. It is definitely not easy to give complete trust to someone and to be completely honest with someone. At times, we choose to omit information or give a white lie in order to protect our loved one. Do think of the consequence of this action. The world can be large but at the same time it could be so small that your white lie/omission of information could bite you back and result in a ridge between you and your love one. By being honest, it shows that you have nothing to hide and you completely trust the love you have between you. By trusting, you have gained a confidante to help you get through life. This is essentially the foundation of love.

Loving Unconditionally

Being able to love someone unconditionally is the purest form of love though it is also the hardest. It is not easy for anyone to accept someone for his/her strength, flaws, lifestyle, upbringing and characteristics. In short, being able to love and accept someone for who he/she is without expecting any changes from the other party. I have experienced being love unconditionally from my grandfather and I could definitely vouch that feeling will stay with you forever. Though I have no recollection of my childhood memories with my grandfather but somehow deep in my heart, I just have that feeling that he had loved me unconditionally. It is an intangible memory that will not fade.

Love has different meaning and magnitude for each of us. These are the meaning of love for me and I do wish that I could be loved in these three magnitudes. A Chinese scholar once said "I wish my health is better than yours and you die earlier than me"(literally translated from Chinese to English). It sounds rather nasty isn't it? But what he is implying is that he loves his wife so much and he understands the meaning of loneliness therefore he rather that his wife die first so that she doesn't have to suffer loneliness and heartbreak.