No Two People Are Alike

I am feeling so down and emotional today.  I know it stems from the exhaustion of my situation and every corner I turn, I hit a brick wall.  I wished that God can really send an angel to just 'save' us.  I think of the book my son got for me from the library one year ago - Not Without Her Son (Kay David).  The book felt like someone was writing my story but in a fictional way so of course it has a fictional ending where there is a knight in shinning armour to take her and her son away from the nightmare.  Why doesnt fictional ending happen in real life?  But quite the contrary.  I feel that no one truly really understand how I feel.  Everyone has their thoughts and comments as a third party.  I guess I cannot blame them.  They are not in my position and do not know how I truly feel.

As a mother, I guess I also could not comprehend other mother's feelings.  I feel very attached to my child therefore I cannot comprehend mothers that say that they need time off from their children, mothers that is OK leaving the children to stay at the babysitter overnight, or divorced mothers that actually is HAPPY to see their child living out of a knapsack on the basis it gives them time to do their own things.  Yes, I cannot fathom that but I respect that it is their decision and personality and do not see it as my place to offer my comments and thoughts.  But what hurts me is why my personal believe is not respected...

Everyone is different.  While some will say that my fight not to have my child living out of a knapsack is selfish, I  see the opposite.  I see that parents who have children but treat them as toys/commodity as selfish.  In fact, I find that so many people nowadays practice Love thyself first.   Well, it is God's word in Conversation of God - love yourself.

I am extremely critical and cynical in today's entry.  I just feel hurt and alone.  Even the catholic faith people have disappointed me.  I am going to use a friend's acronym NATO (No Action Talk Only) on how I feel about my situation.  Everyone has so much to offer in terms of 'talk' but no one has anything to offer in terms of 'action'.  The same with the church.  It's all about rules/ laws/ etc.

If I can be God a day, I will really tell everyone to please use their compassion and heart when weighing out a situation.  To stop being so rigid and judgmental.  This week I felt my faith was renewed when I had a conversation with my priest regarding laws and rules.  We spoke about IVF and how the catholic church is against it but as a person, if we were to use our judgment, it is essentially two loving people wanting to have their own flesh and blood.  It is not God's plan but if a couple has gone ahead to do it, who are we to condemn their action?   Is it not worse to ask them to abort?  So I thought I have met a priest who can think out of the 'box'.  However, when it comes to physically helping me, again he is bounded by laws of the church.

I dont know who make laws but Jesus' sure breaks them quite often.  He was pleased when Mary poured the expensive perfume and wipe it up with her hair while Judas grumbled.  Most people will be like Judas and see that as wastage!  Equally he was pleased Mary sat down to be with him rather than running around like a headless chicken like Martha.  He didnt mind befriending Zachaeus, the cheat.  He didnt mind the children disturbing him when he is trying to do his work.  I find that Jesus didnt mind being not in the in crowd but the focus nowadays is to be in the in crowd.  Think and act like the in crowd because it is normal.  Any behaviour out of that is considered weird, selfish, unacceptable.

I have no idea what I am babbling on today. I just know I dread the time when he will leave me for 2 nights.