Till Death Do Us Part

Tomorrow is D-day.  The day I have to listen to a bunch of people who do not know my child talk about the BEST INTEREST of My Child.  Because of this, I am feeling and wishing that some people who have loved me unconditionally could be here tomorrow, holding my hands, making me feel loved.  


First is Ah Qong.  I realised that I have not left Ah Qong's side until I left to go to uni in May 1997 and he passed away soon after in October 1997.  Our bond goes beyond the physical realm... I remember once when I went to Langkawi with some friends, Ah Qong had a dream and walked all the way over to see me and warned me not to help anyone carry their luggage.  We often dream and connect with each other somehow, someway.  When Ah Qong went back to China which he reckons will be his last time, his health took a turn and he slipped into a coma.  I was beside myself and wanted to fly there but of course I couldnt.  All I could do was try to connect with him and it felt like we connected.  He woke up and according to my cousins, the first thing he asked for was the jade he bought for me.  Despite the fact that Ah Qong cannot write English and I couldnt write Chinese, we communicated via mail when I was away in uni and get our letters interpreted.  In August 1997, I remembered dreaming that Ah Qong is sick.  I queued up to use the public phone to see whether he is OK.  He actually fell sick 2 weeks after my dream.  He got well and when I returned home for my semester break, God took Ah Qong back.  It was very quick.  I was still playing with Ah Qong that evening and that night, it was like his time is up.  Very peacefully he slipped out of the world. I was with him, holding his hand, screaming at the doctors like a lunatic... Our bond was unconditional and it was really till death do us part (physically)...  I am blessed to have 20.5 years with you and the world is lucky to have 87.5 years of you.  


Subsequently in 1998, I attended LSS in SFX and missed my grandfather so much.  I prayed for another Ah Qong.  When I opened my eyes, there was this old man praying near me.  He looks quite similar to Ah Qong.  I went up to him and another bond was formed - Grandpa Boey.  I hung out with Grandpa Boey and his evergreen friends after church each Sunday.  I clung on to him like my 2nd grandfather.  When I graduated in 2000, I even took Grandpa Boey and his evergreen friends to my hometown for a visit.  The whole trip back (3.5 hours) was bliss.  It felt like my own Ah Qong but english speaking sitting with me in the car.  Again, God has HIS plan... after the visit to my hometown, Grandpa Boey returned home and got sick.  I see this energetic old man slowly depleting away... I was angry with God for taking my new found Grandpa away.  However, he also moved on to be with God in May 2000, I was with him till his last few hours... till death do us part Grandpa Boey.  It was a good 2+ years.  The bond helped me slowly heal...


I moved to NZ and here I met a special girl, Sandra.  Our friendship was short but she is so open, so loving, so carefree and so pretty.  The 6 months friendship, I felt that she shared with me everything and vice versa. In a way, we were similar in personality.  We dont like secrets and we blab out everything.  She is always smiling so people assume she is on top of the world.  A great smile and a great face.  We tend to judge on the surface.  Inside, she does have her own turmoil but I was also to wrapped up in my own life to realise that.  In fact, the word here is TOO SELFISH of me.  When I get the call in reply to my text message to her telling me that Sandra is now with God, I cried.  I cried partly because I missed her and her true friendship but partly also because I am angry with myself for not being a better friend.  I  cried myself to sleep and that night because I was thinking of her so much, I dreamt of her.  It was no consolation...  For tomorrow's D-day, if only Sandra will be here.  I know she will hold my hands and wipe my tears for me.  I still miss her till today and it has been 7 years since her passing.  


Grandma Paula - I guess I am really upset with God for taking you away last year  when I really needed you most.  When you approached me in church, I never knew I would grew that attached to you.  I remember those times I talk to you about McLeod's Daughters, having apple sauce with our dinner.  I look forward to the day of the week where I can come over to your place for dinner.  When I am at my lowest, when nobody knew the sense of loss I felt, you were the only one who let me cry it all out and after crying until there were no more tears, you just let me sit there and didnt once say a word.  Your expression shows it all. It was no judgement, no comments, but just be there for you type of friendship.  The few months leading to your passing, all we both talked about is going Home.  No one knew how much it meant to us, for you it is back to your own house and for me, back to my own home country with my child.  Now, you are Home with God.  I am upset and angry but you left a good message for everyone - Miss me a little, but let me go...  I miss you a lot but am trying to let you go but really wish you could be here for me tomorrow. Despite our age difference, we had a good 7 years of bonding, relationship.  


Last is my own Poh Poh.  Still very much alive and am hoping and praying that I could be with her for her last few years.  She will be 90 this year.  


Sometimes I wish death do not exist... as I lost people who loved me dearly and unconditionally through death and these are the few people I know I can count on tomorrow to hold my hands, to just be there without judgement or comments.  To let me be me...