Being a Parent is More than just Biological

I am having a huge meltdown while writing this and my son is having his nap.  The only time I do not need to hold up a front, be a brave soldier and can let my emotions out.  


It will be chinese new year in a few days time and the loneliness, the craving for love, family support, being in a family gathering is all coming to me.  Not being allowed to return home to attend my good friend's wedding last week makes me feel very angry.  


I am angry with the so called LAW.  Who make these laws?  Humans. On what basis are these laws made?  By some psychologist who are also human!  No two human are alike!  My life is now a result of some people who quotes the law and psychologists.


NZ law emphasised so much on PHYSICAL BOND with the father.  There is more to a relationship than a physical bond.  If I were to summarise what the psychologist says "If a child does not have physical bond with his father at his young age, he will not know his father. "  Does that mean many years back those soldiers and sailors do not have any relationship with their child/ren?  Love is an intangible feeling and if someone is really genuine in loving someone, no matter where they are in the world, nothing can break it. 


Asian culture emphasised on a stable foundation and here in NZ, they emphasised on physical bonding.  Which is the lesser evil psychologically?  They always say a child is resilient but honestly, how many kid have they interviewed on their opinion in living out of a knapsack?  Even movies show that a child living out a knapsack will carry that 'scar' with them forever.  


I remember back in the older days, it is the duty of a woman/mother to care for her child should the marriage dissolve.  And the child grows up being cared for by the mother in an ENVIRONMENT that the mother is supported. Mother and child move on and start live anew.  Child and mother accepted that father has left the unity of marriage and family.  When one gets married, they become one and if they have a child, they become one.  When one chose to leave the unity, that's it, they leave, and the left behind of the unity moves on.  Maybe because I am traditional and an engineer, that is how I feel about marriage and family.  A simple mathematical equation.  Of course, if the one that left chose to remain in contact,then it is great but not to the expense of hurting or imprisoning the mother and child.  


It does make me think... if the marriage had taken place in my home country and the break up occurred there, would the father have stayed in my home country where he will be the 'odd' one out in terms of skin colour and culture just for the sake of his son?  Or would he move back to NZ and resigned to fate that he will see his son whenever he goes over to visit?  If things were not that convenient for him, would he have fought for his son?  


Lastly, all these emphasis on physical bonding and family law but I do not feel a sense of filial piety here.  It is the norm to assume that once one parents grow old, they go to retirement home/nursing home.  When one child grows up, they leave and if they choose to stay at home, they have to pay rent.  In the end, it is so 'business-like' in a family environment.  The Asian culture will not charge their own kids rent even if they are 50 years old.  The Asian culture teaches that life is a cycle/circle.  We take care of our children when they are young, give them the best and as such, they know and understand and in return take care of us when we are old.  Another reason why I yearn to go back.  Besides being a mother, I am also a daughter.  My parents are ageing.  It is now my turn to take care of them.  


Just read what I wrote.  It sounds like a jumble of thoughts and feelings. It doesnt even make sense.  It is a mixture of my feeling as a mother and as a daughter.  My feeling of love for my son.  My feeling of anger and loneliness and frustration.  It is all a mixture of every feeling.  I read in Conversation with God that Love is a summation of all emotions/feelings.  So maybe this can be summed up in one word - my feeling of LOVE for my child, my family and maybe even my ex-husband.  If I had not loved him, I will not feel hurt and angry.  So I must have felt love to feel hurt... and the realisation that he probably had not loved me as he is indifferent towards how I feel.  Well, what the heck, it is my blog and I am upset so I am just going to write how I feel as I have no one whom I can talk to...who will just listen and not try to tell me what I should do and how I should live.