Children and Changes to a Family

I wrote this article on 1st October 2010 when my son was asleep.  I was looking at him and thinking how angelic he looks. How he has changed my life.  Then I think of children in general and decided to write a critical article on children and family.

Before becoming a mother, I had the same views about children - to complete a family; my peers are all having children so I need to have one too, to be in the 'society norm.'

I never viewed myself as someone maternal but a friend of mine who is very maternal saw that in me and told me (when I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy) that I will not be able to put my child in childcare. I laughed and planned the best childcare for my unborn child, planned the type of activities and books he need to read so that he is on par or smarter than his age. I started controlling him before he even came into the world, moulding him into something I want him to be which is in essence competing with my peers' children to ensure that he is not 'neglected'.

When he entered this world, my whole concept of motherhood and children shifted! I see how much he needed me to just be there for him, to hold and love him and to give him the confidence going into the world. The Asian part of me was still pushing him to 'compete' so there he goes into a childcare at the age of 8 months. I was a nervous wreck and so was he. What transpired was a scared baby who became clingy to me that night and developed a nervous hair pulling habit. The concept 'neglect' came into my mind. Why do we consider giving our poor little developing baby/toddler to the care of someone he/she doesn't know and doesn't have a bond with him considered a good practice whilst a mother who gives up everything to be there for her child considered clingy?

Of late, I noticed people have children to compete. A mother would say "I put my baby in childcare since he is 3 months old!" and that comment would make a mother who still cares for her child at 20 months old feel inadequate. Similarly, another mother would compete with another by saying "My son could do this and that". Why cant we accept our child development as they are meant to be instead of using them to brag/compete to see who has the smartest, brainiest, tallest, most independent child?

Have our children become an extension of our ego?

Another reason people have children is timing. Most people will have the 2nd child when the first is 1 years old because it is the norm. And when two children are achieved, it is considered that they have a complete family and the job to pro-create is done. Have we taken the concept of family so rigidly and structured? In all honesty, as a mother myself, I know I cannot give the same attention to two young toddler/baby at the same time. I know the older generation will say the older child will adapt/ the child needs to learn from a young age to survive, etc. If you look in depth from a scientific view, a child's brain is not fully developed until they are 3 years old. If we instil fear/survivor into a developing brain, what output do we expect when they are older?

Who our children are 20 years from now is how we teach them when their brains are developing. If they are thought to survive with 30 other children in a childcare for attention, it is no surprise they grow up craving for attention or not trusting. I see in myself a lot of flaws that is a result of a rigid conformed Asian upbringing. Though I see the flaws, it is already implanted in me to make the changes to myself.

My point is your child is not the extension of your ego. Think of who and what you want them to be before putting them out there in the world. Love them as you want to be loved.