Yesterday I tagged along with my brother to attend one of his friend's wedding. As I do not know either the groom or the bride, seeing them is anticipation. Like most Asian women, my subconscious mentalities are set on how pretty the bride is and how elaborate her dress. The procession started with the six groomsmen followed by the groom. Then the six bridesmaids entered in 3 pairs of six wearing different dresses. My shallowness tells me the bride must be really pretty based on her bridesmaids' dresses. Entered the bride and I felt guilty as my initial thought was "She's quite big" and in all honesty (since this is pen into writing), I felt superior because I am waif-like and supposedly cute looking.
I then turned towards the groom and saw his expression as she was walking down the aisle. His eyes were fixed on her as though she is the only woman and that was when I started feeling sorry for myself. Yes, a very selfish thought at that moment when it was the bride's and groom's happiest moment. I felt sorry and angry as to why someone her size can find true/real love whilst I have to suffer through 'fake' love even though I am a better commodity physically. Then the feelings were replaced with envy and jealousy for her. I felt that she is the luckiest woman on earth.
In other situation, I am sure she will look at me and feel that I am so lucky to be physically presentable, to have men looking at me and think that I am so lucky. What she does not realised is, she is lucky because the man that will talk and get to know her is sincere and wants to know her. The men that approach me are only interested in my physical façade with no real intention of knowing who I am. I know this with my ex-husband. He was definitely interested in me but not the real me which shows after we had our first child. No doubt, I was 'lucky' and managed to return to my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months with minimal weight gain during pregnancy, but I become a mother. I no longer become a sexual object that is nice to look at. I have baby smell, puke and a baby clinging on to me at all times. If my ex-husband really loved me, he would love me regardless of whether I am thin or fat, pretty or ugly, in skirts or in track pants. Unfortunately, the lesson for me is my ex-husband is similar to other men I have met and known in my life that I have taken an interest to - they are also interested in me physically. I do not blame them because I have also had that mentality, always judging a person physically.
Unfortunately society has coerced us to behave this way. The not so physically attractive will shy away from the more physically attractive which results in those categorised in the physically attractive being 'stuck' with one type of men/women. Many people tell me I would not have problem finding another man but what they do not understand is, it is not easy for me to find another man to trust. When I see a physically acceptable man, I get scared and wish that a real man will approach me. I do not care if he is much older and he doesn't work out. I am just looking for someone who wants to know me for who I am.
Society has led everyone to believe those who are pretty are lucky but in reality, the pretty ones are the unluckiest. Many years ago, I met a really pretty woman in a matchmaking function. She was the prettiest in the crowd - the men all wanted to know her and other women avoided her. We befriended each other immediately because she was as petite as me. She said I was the Asian version of her. We left the function without a man but just the two of us. I got to know her and found out despite being so attractive; she couldn't have the man she wanted. All other men she has met and been with have been a disappointment. Despite all that, friends and society doesn't take her seriously because she is PRETTY. In the end, her disappointment and loneliness resulted in her taking her own life. I can still remember the phone call I got six years ago and her funeral. How everyone still did not understand how lonely she was. In all essence, her looks became her worst enemy.
Well I guess to those people, who are not physically attractive, do not envy those who are. You are actually so much happier and luckier than us. Just because you do not get second glances, it does not mean you do not get eternal glances from that man/woman who loves you. We might get 2nd and 3rd glances but we cannot find someone who would give us that eternal glance.
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