A Scary Education System

I have been meaning to give my 2cents thoughts on the education system in NZ for a while but only now found that time to write it down.  

I seriously cannot understand how scary it is for a 5 years old to turn up at school and everyone there knows each other!  I mean why must the school system works according to their birthdays?  As as adult, I could imagine how scary it would be for me if I have to turn up to school in the middle of the week, in the middle of a school term and be introduced to a class of people who already have their own cliques.  Not all type of personality would like to be thrown into that situation.  For my type of personality, I would quietly sit down and listen to the teacher and just cant wait to go home.  

I really cannot see the merit of making a child starts school when they turn five.  Why cant the there be a two block system where children born between Jan - June starts together and June to Dec starts 2 semester later?  That way they are all newbies together.  

In Malaysia, those born in the same year will start school at the same time so regardless of whether you are a January child or December child, you start school together.  OK, maybe at 4 yrs 1 month and 4 yrs 11 month, there is a huge development milestone. So maybe for 5 years old, they should only stay in school for half day say 9am - 12noon and school officially starts when they turn 6.  Why the rush to make them start formal schooling by 5?  

Most people says that the first 2 weeks of school is terrible for their child.  The child doesnt like it and only starts to fit in after 2 weeks.  I wonder is that a acceptance mechanism for the child?  Wouldnt this make the child 'hate' school?  

Well, my 2 cents thoughts is the system is sooooo scary for a child to start school.  I love the Malaysia system where everyone is a newbie together, you make your friends and form your own social circle based on your likes etc.  But here, you must try your luck and see which social circle 'wants' you in.  

Which brings to the point that my child being a mixed blood in NZ would/might suffer some form of teasing because of his Asian blood but in Malaysia, he will be 'wanted' in most groups because of his western blood.  Even for this reason itself, for the child's psychological health, we should be able to relocate back to Malaysia!  
Note, this is different if my child is not in a broken family because then both his parents are around that respect each other's culture, but in a broken family, my child will be teased especially in a western country and his rather mixed looks.  

My Prison New Zealand

When I watch a movie and see the loneliness and desperation depicted in an prison inmates eyes, I never really could feel for them until these past 2 years.  Although I am not physically behind bars, surrounded by 4 walls, I have the same feeling like those inmates.

I cannot leave the country with my son unless I have the Courts permission which means I actually have my freedom curbed and it is the decision of a stranger who by profession is now given the authority to rule my life.  

I chose to be a stay at home mother because I believe in the benefit of it but again it is not a choice I can make.  By making that choice, I have to live hand to mouth.  Come to think of it, at least in prison, you get your 3 meals without worrying about it.  

I am happy to compromise my lifestyle but recently, a split molar opens a whole new aspect to show that I actually have NO choice in my life right now.  I have a split molar which requires extraction and in Malaysia, I could have gotten a dental implant and still be happy and confident from the inside as many who knows me, my smile means a lot to me.  But my situation has rendered me choice-less.  I cannot afford the exorbitant dental fee in New Zealand for a dental implant so I have to even compromise that aspect of my life.  

In the end, I feel that I am treated with no respect, no freedom and now can definitely empathize with those who are being imprisoned especially those that have been wrongly imprisoned.  I can definitely empathize with their feelings of hurt, desolation and loss of dignity.  

My situation has make me lost all my internal dignity and now also my external dignity.  

I honestly feel that what is the point of having a human rights group when it is just for namesake but violation of human rights is being rampantly practised everywhere.  

A simple girl, who embraces motherhood but married the wrong man in the wrong country has her whole life in bleak because she cannot leave her young son behind to even seek dental help.  All that simple girl wants is to bring up her son in an environment where it is healthier emotionally and psychologically.  All that simple girl wants is to feel love and appreciated.  This simple girl learns that she was never been appreciated as a wife and as THE mother of her child.  Being financially incapable has rendered her a major disadvantage in the system.  Here, I have to admit, it is not just the NZ system.  The system in all over the world is the same - GOT MONEY GOT TALK, NO MONEY NO TALK.  

So right now, even though some insensitive people might say at least you are in a nice prison, let me tell you, it does not matter where the prison is.  Its the feelings inside that count, so whether it is behind bars or in a country, it is the same feeling.

Motherhood

Last night I was watching Private Practice and Addison Montgomery said something that was really meaningful about motherhood/childbirth - it's the moment where every cell in your body transform and the woman is no longer a woman.  She is now a Mother.  

I experienced that magical transformation and am proud to say that I followed my heart with that transformation and did not allow society pressure to push me into 'hiding' that transformation.  

I read Lee Kuan Yew's speech during Singapore's National Day Celebration.  Link to the speech http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/going_extinct_is_no_fun/#idc-container  He speaks on Singaporeans on the brink of extinction because everyone is too busy trying to earn more and more money, they do not want to reproduce.  Women have the 5 C's criteria before they will settle down with a man and even so, it is a temporary stop of work before they want to resume in the workforce to be part of the 'team'. The thought of losing out for a few months scares these women so much that they rather not have a child.  

Before the birth of my son, I am no different to those women in Singapore.  The reason I took up the job offer in NZ is because I thought it will boost my career.  My focus is money and society status.  Then came motherhood... even then I was quite sure I will resume my career but I am thankful I allowed the transformation of cells happen and embraced motherhood.  It is more rewarding and I feel that as a woman, we are made to be mothers/carer/nurturers.  

I gave up my career as an Engineer and society/friends/relatives/ex-husband judge me as 'wasting my life' etc.  But you know what, from where I am sitting, I see that these people who are so money focus, blinded by money and status are the one that have not lived their life.  I can honestly say that whenever I walk past any of the projects I have done, it is just an empty feeling.  I dont feel warmth looking at my traffic lights, roundabout etc.  But I feel proud of my son when he can do a 72 piece puzzle all by himself at 3.75yrs old, I feel proud when my son could understand the concept of maths at his tender age.  

In fact, I have started tutoring other children and when I get their exam results,  I feel so proud of them, like they are my own children achieving the merits.  It is a feeling of warmth that comes from inside, a feeling that put you in good spirit, a feeling that puts a smile on your face because there is no monetary value attached to it.  

Singapore is a great country.  I love Singapore and everything about it.  But like Lee Kuan Yew, I feel so sad for the citizen that is on the brink of extinct.  Seriously women, is money and status and being on par as your male counterpart really that important?  As for men, if you respect women a bit more like ACCEPTING that women are made to care and nurture instead of fighting with us till we crumble, maybe more women are happy to embrace motherhood.  Despite the hurt and pain I suffered from my ex-husband unwillingness to accept that I really cherish motherhood, I would definitely not change a thing and given the chance, will do it all over again with many more children.  

I have learnt that career, status and money only defines who you are on the outside but motherhood defines who you are from the inside.  Once you missed out on motherhood or certain milestone of your child's life, you can NEVER get it back.  But with my career, there's always time to return to it, even if it means starting lower in the rank again.

Proposed Law Reform Part 2 - Joke with God

Dear Men/ Mensz group, if you cannot recognise that a mother and a father plays a different role and want equal rights, maybe it's also about time to take God to court and tell him that you want equal rights in childbirth and pregnancy.  Take God to court and say that you want to have equal share of pregnancy experience and equal share on childbirth experience.  Heck, meanwhile since you are at it, also fight God for equal share in PMS.

So first, if we follow the NZ court system, you will be sent for counselling session with God.  During counselling God might tell you that you do not have the anatomy for pregnancy and childbirth and it is then concluded no agreement could be reached.  Then the process will move on to Counsel-led mediation.  Now, this stage, the Mediator might coerce you and God to sign a compromise.  So what would be your compromise that you will accept from God?

Proposed Law Reform

After deciding to lay low for a long time, I feel the need to comment on the proposed law reform announced on 2/8.  

Reduce the use of lawyers in court.  Yay, to some of us but not necessary to everyone.  Some women from an abusive relationship whether it is a physical abuse or emotional abuse would not want to face their abusive ex in court. It will be a very traumatic experience.  Meanwhile for some of us, it is a huge saving.  Every phone call, every e-mail to the lawyer is MONEY.  At $300/hour, one has to be printing money to afford a lawyer in New Zealand.  

From my perspective, the lawyers only act in their OWN interest, which is to win and to look good in the eyes of the law.  If they represent the women, they do not listen to what the women want.  They tell the women what the law wants them to do.  If they represent the men, again they will encourage the men to exercise their rights, minimise the financial outgoing.  Hence many lawyers representing men are actually telling the men - GO FOR 50/50 so that you can avoid paying child support.  But how the child is supported or taken care of in the care of the working men, it doesnt matter to the lawyers.  They have done their job for the men/client.

As for the so called Lawyer for the Child, this is the most ridiculous of all especially for pre-schoolers and primary school children.  How could someone who knows nothing about the child represent the child?  Yeah right (sarcastically) to the so called impartial view of the child.  Every child is different, every child is unique but the lawyer of the child uses a check box system whilst representing a child.  

Recognising Economic Abuse - applaud to that change but to what extend is considered economic abuse?  There's so many gray areas that could be considered economic abuse.  For instance, should a Trust be considered economic abuse?  Someone who starts up a Trust to ensure that all his assets are protected are considered smart but it can be considered selfish leaving the other partner to live in a much lower economic situation after separation.  

Or the current 50/50 shared parenting situation.  The men usually gets the weekend while the women has the weekdays.  For us women who really just want to spend time with our children, we are DENIED that opportunity if we return to the workforce.  If we return to the workforce and the children is at school, our time with our children is only the few hours after work to bedtime.  We DO NOT get the pleasure of having a full day with them.  So for that reason, some of us choose to forgo working to be able to nurture our children.  And as a result of that, we suffer economically.  

Fast tracking the system - definitely applauding to that.  Seriously when one decides to file in court especially for 'bigger' applications like relocation, it means that no resolution could be resolved.  Why the need for the counselling, mediation, Judicial Conference, etc?  It should go straight to the court hearing with the affidavits.  

Now for my extra suggestions. 

Psychological Assessment on a pre-schooler - that is the most ridiculous assessment to undertake for a relocation case.  Yes, maybe it is necessary in an abusive family but for a relocation especially on a pre-schooler?  What type of methodology could be used that could fairly justify the evaluation when a pre-schooler is at such an impressionable age?  I think the use of psychology assessment is over rated and should be limited to cases where there is abuse to save time and money for the Court.

To completely minimise cost and stress to everyone, why cant we have a standard system of care of child?  To be honest, pre-schoolers need their mothers most so why cant we just face and accept that as the psychology of a child and have a system  based on their emotional and psychology maturity. 

• Preschoolers - Mother as the primary caregiver with father having access for twice a week but pre-schooler returns to mother for care at night.
• Primary School children - Mother as the primary caregiver with more involvement from the father such as picking the child up from school twice a week and taking care of the child, feeding the child and then return to mother to so that she could prepare then for school the next day.  Have one day of the weekend with the child doing activities with the child and if the child is willing, stay the night. 
• Secondary School children - Let the CHILD DECIDES!

NOTE:  PLEASE NEVER EVER FORCE A CHILD TO STAY OVER IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO!!!  But the system is forcing that because it is considered violating the parenting order.  

This is a more stable arrangement for a child rather than subjecting a child to psychology assessment. Unless the child is really showing major distress, which means there is other underlying issue.  

Men and lawyers (whether you are men or women), please accept that Mothers and Fathers play a different role.  The child is not a furniture that has to be split.  This is what the lawyers are trying to do - split the child.  As for men, do you think that by fighting for the child, your child will really 'worship' you?  If you are the father of a boy, you are telling the boy indirectly that he DOES NOT need to respect women.  If you are the father of a daughter, you are giving teaching your daughter that she has NO self worth.  Can you see the long term effects of your doing?  

Well I am sure the MENSZ group will totally think I am wrong but really, sit back and think about it.  Think about how you were raised.

For women, please stop fighting amongst ourselves.  If you are a working successful mother, do not look down on us who choose to give up everything to care for our children. Please look back for most of you successful woman out there, you are a result of a stay at home mother/carer.  Without that constant stable  care, you wouldnt be where you are at the moment.  Please look  back and realised that it was your mother who sacrifice for your success - you were free to concentrate on your studies and activities instead of doing housework and helping out at home, taking care of siblings, etc.  Did you ever once stop and thank her for giving up her 'life' for you but instead you seem more keen to not end up like her!  

Instead you think that you have done your obligation by providing her with a maid and money.  Now that I am a mother, I can tell all of you so called successful women out there, that is not what your elderly mother wants.  All she wants is for you to thank her for your success, to spend some time with her in your free time and not spend every moment on your Ipad, IMac, Iphone or whatever IAppliance.  They do not want the money, as what could they do with the money?  They are elderly, so there's no desire to where Donna Karan dresses and have regular cut and foil, their taste bud has deteriorated so expensive food makes no difference to them.  But what makes the difference is that you appreciate them for their sacrifice and not treat them like a hassle, a 'useless' person who has make nothing out of her life.  Think about it all of you successful people out there!