My Prison New Zealand

When I watch a movie and see the loneliness and desperation depicted in an prison inmates eyes, I never really could feel for them until these past 2 years.  Although I am not physically behind bars, surrounded by 4 walls, I have the same feeling like those inmates.

I cannot leave the country with my son unless I have the Courts permission which means I actually have my freedom curbed and it is the decision of a stranger who by profession is now given the authority to rule my life.  

I chose to be a stay at home mother because I believe in the benefit of it but again it is not a choice I can make.  By making that choice, I have to live hand to mouth.  Come to think of it, at least in prison, you get your 3 meals without worrying about it.  

I am happy to compromise my lifestyle but recently, a split molar opens a whole new aspect to show that I actually have NO choice in my life right now.  I have a split molar which requires extraction and in Malaysia, I could have gotten a dental implant and still be happy and confident from the inside as many who knows me, my smile means a lot to me.  But my situation has rendered me choice-less.  I cannot afford the exorbitant dental fee in New Zealand for a dental implant so I have to even compromise that aspect of my life.  

In the end, I feel that I am treated with no respect, no freedom and now can definitely empathize with those who are being imprisoned especially those that have been wrongly imprisoned.  I can definitely empathize with their feelings of hurt, desolation and loss of dignity.  

My situation has make me lost all my internal dignity and now also my external dignity.  

I honestly feel that what is the point of having a human rights group when it is just for namesake but violation of human rights is being rampantly practised everywhere.  

A simple girl, who embraces motherhood but married the wrong man in the wrong country has her whole life in bleak because she cannot leave her young son behind to even seek dental help.  All that simple girl wants is to bring up her son in an environment where it is healthier emotionally and psychologically.  All that simple girl wants is to feel love and appreciated.  This simple girl learns that she was never been appreciated as a wife and as THE mother of her child.  Being financially incapable has rendered her a major disadvantage in the system.  Here, I have to admit, it is not just the NZ system.  The system in all over the world is the same - GOT MONEY GOT TALK, NO MONEY NO TALK.  

So right now, even though some insensitive people might say at least you are in a nice prison, let me tell you, it does not matter where the prison is.  Its the feelings inside that count, so whether it is behind bars or in a country, it is the same feeling.