Copyright?

I got a bible CD yesterday for my son.  When I got the CD, the first thing that cross my mind - the cover looks so familiar.  I have seen the picture somewhere!  Then I remembered! It was a Christmas book he was given from his music class for Christmas and distinctly remember the author of the book had a strict copyright setting shown in the picture below. 

It says 'All rights reserves.  No part of the publications may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or even in crayon (!), storage in any information system or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher.'


On Page 20 and 21 of the book is this picture, which to me looks the exact same image as the cover picture of the Bible CD. 

Book on left, CD on right

The CD is supposed to be a production from AudioGo UK and USA, read by Paul Jones vocalist in Manfred Mann.  


Now,I strongly believe this picture belongs to neither Alison David (author of the Christmas Travellers book) or AudioGo Ltd.  So it must be a picture that can be used, reproduced (maybe with permission from the artist).  So isnt Alison Davidson a bit harsh when she says "no part of the publications may be reproduced,... even in crayon (!).  She must have taken the picture from a source and if a child wants to copy the picture in crayon, it cant be considered infringement of copyright?

Finally I am not Alone in my Thinking!

I found this on a medical website:

Parental conflict and children's behavioral and social adjustment were measured at two periods in 100 families entrenched in custody and visitation disputes. More frequent access to both parents was associated with more emotional and behavioral problems in the children; different effects were noted for boys and girls.

PMID

 2817096 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

Johnston JR, et al.

Journal

Am J Orthopsychiatry. 1989 Oct;59(4):576-92.

Affiliation

Center for the Family in Transition, Corte Madera, Calif.

And this from a mental health worker website.  Link to article: http://www.theledger.com/article/20120128/NEWS/120129672?p=3&tc=pg

The simple rules for starters. First, drop the gloves, or in this case STOP the fighting. (I said simple, not easy.) No one gains grounds by this kind of battle. Second — provide what's needed, not what's mandated by law. The legal requirement, for example, might be that the child or children have a place of residence. What often happens is they get bounced from one residence to the other. Realizing that what their children needed was stability and consistency, one divorced couple chose to alternate their residence, leaving the children permanently in their original home. Third — support the other parent. This is a toughy. You probably couldn't do it before the divorce — how could you do it after? This takes considerable empathy, realizing that the parent with primary residence more than likely feels overwhelmed and the other parent feels excluded and discarded. Both need support.

[ Anthony Conti is a licensed mental health counselor in Lakeland. ]

And this from a lawyer website.  Link to article: http://www.rosen.com/childcustody/carticles/children-and-divorce/

Generally speaking, preschoolers do best with shorter, more frequent contact, often not involving overnights.

I have 3 articles from 3 different profession - lawyer, medical professional and a mental health worker stating what I believe in :  1) Overnight is disruptive at my child's age and 2) The so-called shuttling back and forth between parents will only result in emotional and behavioral problem in the child.  

This is so consistent with my previous blog http://www.paulinesharingthoughts.blogspot.co.nz/2012/01/psychologist-psychology-law-versus.html

I did not even read the first medical article when I wrote my blog!  So why are people and the LAW still so ignorant and want to follow the so-called WRONG LAW?  Is it because of inertia and not wanting to accept any changes because it involves too much hassle?  Hassle or not, it is the lifetime of my child that these people are affecting...

The Idiotic Thing Called THE LAW and My Life

Today, I decided to take a bold step and approach a chinese grocery shop asking them whether could I bake 20 sugee cupcakes and leave it at their shop to sell.  If after 2 days, it is unsold, I will take it back.  There is no loss to them at all.  But they said they were told that they can only ready made food items if the cook/baker has a certificate of health compliance!  I told them I am just a stay at home single mum who wants to make some extra cash of $30/week.  But unfortunately the say the LAW says that they can only sell food stuff with compliance.  To get the certificate, I need to have a registered business!  I am not running a business, just want to earn some money for grocery.  Even that, I am bounded by this thing called the LAW.  


My dream is to be a stay at home mother until my son starts school and I am trying my best to achieve my dream but I seem to be STUCK by the LAW.  I cant go home because the LAW says NO, so I try to sell cakes in shops but the LAW also requires certificate of health compliance and a registered business.  


So, I try to approach an ex-company which was the small company I had worked for previously and I know the boss allows working from home.  But what did I get - Err... Your ex-husband is a client of ours and are you able to put aside your differences and treat him as a client when he is your client and not a client when he is not?  I thought to myself, if I say Yes, then I am lying and the boss must be stupid if he believes my lie so I might as well be honest and say Yes, there will be slight conflict of interest.  And in return I get, your ex-husband is an important client.  So I get the message.  


New Zealand is a pathetically small country and the economy is so localised! How am I going to practice engineering without crossing path with my ex-husband's project sometime down the road?  Can the stupid NZ LAW see what it has done to my life.  I cant work in my field of practice and I cant work out of my field of practice.  


Oh my goodness New Zealand law, please tell me what do you expect me to do.  I cant go home, because of the LAW unless I give up my child, I cant work as a baker to earn some money because I dont have a registered business to earn that certificate, I cant really go back to my line of work because of conflict of interest in this small population with localised business instead of international business and then the LAW also says that the man does not need to provide alimony/maintenance or ensure that she has a roof over her head. 


It's almost like a dictator country telling me I need to stay and to survive, I need to re-train myself for another profession!  


Please someone out there or up there or anywhere, if you are able to help me out, please do.  There is just so much determination one can have.  

Conversation With God

I was given the Conversation with God series as a birthday gift.  It is a very powerful book but I do ask - how do we know it is really God that is speaking to us?  I do get little voice telling me stuff too but I am not sure whether it is God or just my conscience...


If it is God, then I will definitely be the 'odd' one out in my thinking.


With my situation, I keep asking, praying to God for enlightenment and discernment.  Over and over again, I keep getting affirmation that I am not wrong in wanting to move on with my son without further involvement from the ex-husband while the rest of the world, the law, psychologist thinks it is better for the child if it is co-parenting.  


This voice gave me an example.  It says that when a woman marries a man, she becomes his missus so she becomes Mrs X.  They become one body.  And when they have a child, the child is a product of their union which means man, woman and child is one body.  They become one complete body and no longer 3 separate entities.  Therefore, when one of the member of the body walks out, which in my case, if the husband choose to walk out, he is not only walking on me.  He is walking out of the body - the body that is him, myself and our child.  So when I felt that I cannot fathom how the court can say that although my husband walked out on me, he didnt walk out on the child.  We are all one body, not 3 separate entity!  


I asked God and said that I want a better example.  This little voice really gave me a simple example.  The voice says - Imagine your left hand tells your body, you are not pretty, you are not fun.  I want to be amputated and be on my own to have some fun.  But after amputation, the left hand realised that if misses right hand because life with right hand is fun even though body is not fun.  Could the left hand actually do that medically?  Would the body accept left hand's temporary involvement and would right hand prefer to have left hand there on a 'as and when' basis?  Or would it be better for the body to accept that the left hand is gone and the right hand then compensate for the missing left hand?  


I still have trouble accepting that God or my little voice can have such 'ridiculous' discernment.  I wanted example from the Bible!  And strange enough my son turned on the Bible CD and it talked about Adam and Eve.   Later, I turned the bible and it opened up the page "When a man divorces his wife, he is causing her to commit adultery".  I was like "What does that mean?"  The little voice says "The current law and humankind has allowed many things to happen on their own need and no longer the law of nature."  We say that we want to shield our child from abusers, pedophile but we do not shield our child from wrongdoings.  We are now exposing to our child that it is OK to walk out when the going gets tough, when you dont feel like trying anymore.  Just walk out and it is OK.  There is no repercussion for doing that.  It is also OK to put your own need ahead of anyone else's.  Love thyself and everyone else comes second.  I guess those who strongly believe in the Book 1 of Conversation with God will say this is exactly what God says "The best Love is a self - centered love'.  But my voice says "the Bible says Love your Neighbour as you would love yourself"  


So, I guess a different God spoke to me compared to the God that spoke to Neale Donald Walsch?  Or is it just our own conscience and upbringing speaking?

In The Best Interest of The Child

If someone ever quote to me In The Best Interest of the Child again, I will send them the link to my blog.  I am so sick of hearing that sentence/quote over and over again by lawyers, psychologist, etc.  Honestly, if these people who quote IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD could sleep with a clear conscience that this is what they did and not in the Best Interest of the Parent, then I rest my case with them.  If these people could sit quietly and have a clear conscience towards themselves and God that they really think they put the child interest to the parent/s interest, then maybe my life journey and experience is totally different to them.


How could one quote In The Best Interest of The Child but expects the child to make all the adapting and changes and treating a child like a possession be In the Best Interest of The Child?  It was two responsible adults who created the child and it was also the adults decision to walk out of a marriage so why should the child be the one that need to change and adapt?  Has the law not decided that the adults should be the one that need to be punished for their decisions?


As a mother, In the Best Interest of the Child means the adults/parents need to make all the changes.  I suggested to my ex-husband many times that we should try to live as housemate (as we do not have major conflict) but of course, it seems like the most ridiculous idea to him and his lawyer or maybe to the whole Kiwi nation.  But it is not that unrealistic if that means the child need not live out of a suitcase.  The child gets to see both parents at all times.  I know it is also not uncommon in the Asian culture to 'stay together' for the sake of the child.  That is being mature and un-selfish.  Why should a child suffer for an adult's selfishness?


Alternatively, I suggested we live as neighbour so again the child get to see both parents all the time and could sleep in one place call home but go over to daddy's for a play.  Again, this is considered a ridiculous suggestion.


I also said to my ex-husband we should have a relax arrangement which is come and see the child as and when you could especially if you are in the area.  Drop in, play with the child and if it is bath time, bath the child, feed the child.  But no, in the eyes of the LAW, this is wrong.  We must treat the child like an ENTITY, a POSSESSION where a fixed time, a child must be with his dad and a fixed time with the mum - called a Parental Order. This is DEFINITELY NOT in the best interest of the child.  If child spends Christmas with mum this year, he must spend Christmas with Dad next year.  Come on, how could someone within the consciousness says that this is in the best interest of the child.  It is in the best interest of the parent so that there is fairness in CHILD TIME DISTRIBUTION. 


Honestly, the law is SO flawed now that I am not surprised why there is such an increase rate of suicide and mental health amongst the younger generation.  The law is so afraid of offending one parent/party that it has lost track of its 'duty'.  


Could there only be ONE King Solomon in this lifetime?  Could no one else think and discern like King Solomon?  The true classic parable of King Solomon:

The story is recounted in 1 Kings 3:16-28. Two young women who lived in the same house and who both had an infant son came to Solomon for a judgement. One of the women claimed that the other, after accidentally smothering her own son while sleeping, had exchanged the two children to make it appear that the living child was hers. The other woman denied this and so both women claimed to be the mother of the living son and said that the dead boy belonged to the other.

After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!" However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!" Solomon instantly gave the live baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother's instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child.

Survival

A friend commented on my FB how I am able to DIY (Do It Yourself) now.  It makes me think... it's my situation that has turned me into a 'Anything Also Can Do' person.  Before this, where life is comfortable, I prefer to rely on the conventional way which is BUY something that I need.  But being thrown into this situation, my survival instinct has surfaced.  


Clothing -  I learned to knit and sew basic clothing items.  With my new knitting skills, I am also trying (and hoping) that I could get some income of it.  As for myself, I used to be ashamed of my petite size but now, it sure comes in handy.  I not only could fit whatever I owned 15 years ago, I could also fit into children's clothing which is so much cheaper.  Yesterday, I picked up 2 jackets for myself for $9.97 (for both jackets!) - a birthday present for myself after not buying anything for myself for 2 years.  My son's long pants at 1 years old has now turned into shorts for him.  Now, I am glad I didnt listened to those 'well-off' friends who commented why do I keep all my son's baby clothes! In fact, one of his 6 months old jeans is now a nice pair of shorts for him.  


Food - Occasionally I crave for my hometown food like Laksa and Sar Hor Fun.  I have learnt how to cook these dishes to feed my cravings.  I also started exploring my baking skills which has resulted in a more confident me.  Somehow as my survival skills submerge, I also feel more comfortable and confident with myself.  Previously, I buy meat to suit a dish I want to make.  Now, I just adapt and get the meats on special for the week and adapt my cooking to suit whatever meat/veges and ingredients I have at home.  In fact, it turned out so much more special because it's all home made/ self invented dishes.  Not a copy from some recipe books.  I attempted to make the sausages for my son and wasnt sure of the response but considering he finished 75% it, it is a good testimonial that I can give my son good healthy food on a budget.  


Needs - Although it is sneaky but hey, I am proud of myself for the survival skill.  I was given a $30 voucher in an expensive sports shop but they didnt sell the bike helmet I wanted for my son.  So the Asian brain kicks in - I bought an item from the shop for over $30 and put the rest on my credit card.  A couple of days later, I returned the product saying that it was not suitable with receipt and everything intact.  I got a refund of the whole sum into my credit card.  Now, I have converted the $30 voucher into credit in my credit card and with that money, I could go to the bike shop and get my son's bike helmet!  Hehe! My dad actually gave me a virtual pat on the back for that.  :)  
I also start looking at inorganic collection and collected toys that seem relatively good condition, clean it and voila, it's a new toy for my son.  Kids have such short attention span, it really does not matter whether it is brand new LEGO or something picked up and cleaned and modified by his mother. 
Thanks to trademe website, I also find whatever I could that I have and started selling it on the website.  As the saying goes "One man's junk is another man's treasure"".  :)


Overall, I guess this could be the silver lining in my situation.  A more confident person in who I am and what I can do.  As such, if it does rain 40 days and 40 nights (my son has been saying that it is going to rain 40 days and 40 nights!), I am not worried.  As for knowing what I want in life, I know for sure now that I want a man who is a REAL MAN.  One who knows what a MAN should do and how he should be as a husband and a father.  The MAN that GOD intended when he created Adam.  

East meet West 'Lap Cheong' (chinese sausage)

My son loves sausages so I thought since it's chinese new year, I will try to make my own version of lap cheong.  I looked around and found this packet of dried collagen sausage casing with provided strings to tie the lap cheong.  I remember a friend suggested to add some sticky rice with my minced meat mixture to bind the meat properly though I dont really think it is necessary but I did it to give it the effect of 'fat' instead of real meat fat.  :)  So here is my version of a westernised lap cheong.  :)

Lean minced meat for healthier option. Notice the rice?

Stuffing the casing with the meat - yuckiest part of the process

A stuffed casing

Tied to make smaller pieces.

Those meat only fill up 2 casings!

Being grilled in the oven instead of deep drying

My lap cheong pieces  :)

It is not exactly the best looking but it sure tastes yummy and much healthier as I know what meat I put in it and not oily at all.  

A la Natural

I had comments regarding my sugee cake asking me whether I would decorate the cake.  Seems like a plain looking cake is no longer appealing even though it is a quality cake.  I found out people rather choose a lower quality cake less butter, less eggs, uses shortening but look pretty i.e nicely decorated with icing and figurines than a simple quality cake using good ingredients.  


I on the opposite, do not mind looking and admiring at those beautiful decorated cake but if I were to eat a cake, I prefer a plain simple cake where I can taste the flavour of the cake rather than one that is masked by the sweetness of icing or fondant.  


Which makes me think about myself.  I am just a plain jane.  My make up has been with me for over 10 years and still sitting there because I probably only wear make up a few times a year for special occasion.  On daily basis, I prefer to be natural.  Just myself with some moisturiser and a dab of lip gloss.  No wonder my taste in food is also plain.  I like food where I can taste the natural flavour of the food rather than one that is all sauces/iced up.  


But nowadays, it seems that nobody feels comfortable with their natural ways.  I remember once when I got to Queen Bee's house early and she says "I cant go out because I havent put on my face".  Is this what the world has become?  Everyone becomes an actor/actress and have to put on a face before they dare to step out of their comfort zone.  Is that why there is a rise in divorce because who you date and who you end up marrying is different because on dates, there is a 'face' put on but behind closed door, the 'face' comes off and a totally different person submerge - be it physically or psychologically.  Are most people now having two personality and look?  One for the public and one for behind closed door?


I wear my emotions on my sleeve and find that in New Zealand, it is so unacceptable.  If you cry in public, it is an indication that you have mental illness!  If you laugh loudly, you are weird.  Once, when my son was only 1 years old and he laughed really loudly, a kid about 5 years old said to his mum "That boy is weird".  I was thinking to myself, it is such a pity a 5 years old have such inhibitions about himself and not carefree to laugh and cry in public.  


Recently, my son found himself a girlfriend a couple years older than him.  I take him to the park and play with her and I play along with her.  As I am petite, I can still play many of the playstuff in the park.  I do noticed other parents staring at me, thinking that I am still a kid.  But why cant we just really let ourself free and really look at life as a kid?  Why just because we are all grown up, it is unacceptable to play with a kid stoop to their level rather than as an adult?


I know I am plain and will not change that.  I will not start putting on a face just to 'belong' to the rest of the society.  In saying that I dont condemned people who feels the need to put a face because it is who they are and what makes them comfortable.  As for my sugee cake, it shall remain sugee cake that is un-iced because  I want people to experience the flavour of the cake, not just admire the cake.  

Chinese New Year - Welcome the Water Dragon

Yesterday mark the first day of the water dragon year.  I woke up feeling very homesick.  I went into youtube to look for some chinese new year songs to play but it just doesnt seem right without all the noise.  I then went into my FB and look at all the reunion dinner food and the floodgate opened up.  But as my friend put it, let it be a soul cleansing.  My brother then messaged me with the time where everyone would be gathered at my grandma's.  


Firstly, I am glad for technology.  Despite being unable to get home due to the idiotic LAW, I am glad I could still see my family and relatives.  I chatted with my grandma.  Even though I see her once a week on skype, her dementia makes her think that she only sees me once a year.  Kind of remind me of a toddler.  They dont know the difference between today, tomorrow and yesterday.  Despite that, she still remembers me...  


I was feeling really lonely once I logged off skype.  I had a chat with the water dragon. I was hoping the water  dragon will be like the water horse - our saviour and our friend.  At the same time, I told the water dragon to keep my grandma healthy so that I can at least see her one last time...


Today's blog, I will dedicate to the water dragon together with this picture I found in my friend's FB page.  It is a very nice picture of the dragon.  Shows strong characteristic but yet gentleness and humour in the eyes and smile. 

By the way, thank you water dragon for bringing me my first sugee cake order.  :)  More orders please!  Kong Hei Fatt Choy.  

Psychologist, Psychology, The Law Versus Human Instinct

Psychologist says that physical bonding with the father is very important for the child development and psychology.  OK, I can accept that.  But to what extend the importance of this area of psychology until it supercede other areas?  So a child feeling unsettled from spending nights at different places, wetting themselves from the instability, crying themselves to sleep, not wanting to bath because they are not comfortable, only eating unbalanced food is considered OK because they will soon adjust and adapt.  


OK, I am no psychologist.  I am just a mother.  Do those symptoms above not indicate that a child is psychologically affected?  So why is it a lesser evil compare to the physical bonding with the father?  Why do we say that child will adapt and accept that he has to live under two different type of care and instability but we cannot say the same that a child will adapt and accept that his father has walked out of the family?


As it is said, all this came about in the recent 10 years because of some father movement.  So why the past DECADES, child/ren from a broken family still survive?  In fact some of the most prominent figures are brought up by a single parent - be it divorce or death of a parent.  Or why the psychologist then differs from the psychologist now?


My question - are the psychologist and law really based on the best interest of the child or did this stem from a disgruntled father movement started 10 years ago?  ( I do wonder why these disgruntled father's never change the law with God to allow them to get pregnant too!)


On the psychology aspect, which psychology effects has lesser/lower long term effect - 1) the divorce or 2) the result of the divorce.  


I guess most will say the result of the divorce.  OK, so this is the two scenario from my perspective as a mother. 


1) Father and mother divorce.  Mother and child move on with life with mother trying her best to provide and nurture.  Yes, father figure is gone on a permanent basis but child still continue being in contact with father.  Child grows up understanding that divorce happens, the sacrifice of mother as well as father to ensure a stable upbringing.  Mother and Father has minimal conflict as mother appreciates the sacrifice the father puts in for her and the child to move on.  Child remind to self that a marriage require hard work, not just a bed of roses.  Child recognise the sacrifice the father has to give up and the sacrifice mother has given.  As such, when child gets into a relationship and marriage, he/she is very cautious but will give their best as they do not want their children to end up the way they were.  


2)  Father and mother divorce.  Child is split like yo-yo between mother and father.  No two people are alike so under mother's care, there is a set of rules and under father's care, there is another set of rules.  In some, there are even differences in believes and culture (in my case).  If child is still a toddler, there is so much confusion and instability.  Then as child grows older, they discover the differences/feud between mother and father could be taken to their advantage and take that conflict to their advantage turning father and  mother against each other.  Meanwhile, deep in their mind, it could sway both way.  Either they are so afraid of marriage because of the conflict and scar of their parents or they take marriage easily.  They could learn from their parents that when the going gets tough, just walk out.  Besides, it's the modern world now, you can protect yourself with Family Trust, pre-nup so there's no big loss.  And the law protects your right as parent over your children so you can still have them.  So why should they make an effort to stay in a marriage.  


I could be cynical towards the law, psychologist and politicians because I find that most people now prefer to 'hide' behind laws/studies/ etc and put aside the gift of discernment, the gift of instinct given to them.  They have fear to use their instinct because it has no scientific backing so it is safer to stick to something that has a backing.  


All I feel is my instinct, my protective nature as a mother is being challenged in the name of the law and psychology.  There is no more freedom to be the way you are and to love your child the way you want.  If you protect them, there is a limit because it then becomes over protective.  If you nurture them, cross the limit, you are called not giving them the freedom.  If you care for them and cross the limit, it becomes you are their servant and get reminded that you must be the boss.  


If any psychologist reading this, I am happy to have a chat and take up any challenges you want to throw my way as long as that will provide a better life for my child and I.  A freedom to love and care without boundary.  

Sugee Cake

I make this sugee cake to usher in the dragon year which begins tomorrow.  Sugee cake is a soft butter cake made with semolina flour and a high concentration of eggs.  For this cake, I use 6 eggs!  It is a dessert served in Eurasian, Malay and Chinese cuisine.  It is quite a common cake served during Chinese New Year.  For this cake, I added almond powder and topped it with almond slivers. 

Straight out of the oven

The inside of the cake

Although it is rich (lots of eggs and butter), it is quite light for eating.  It does not fill you up and is good with chinese tea over some chit chat session.  It is a no frill cake.  :)


I have decided to sell this cake to help me pay my bills and overdue lawyer fees... :(   so if you are one of my readers in New Zealand, please forward my brochure below.  Thank you.  

'Grandma' goes pub crawling

Last night, which typically is a 'sad' night because I dont have my son with me ended up as an adventure for me aka Grandma.  My friend took me out for a belated birthday treat and after that suggested that we go to a bar that is owned by her family friend.  


It is my first time out at night in a pub for over 4 years and my first time having a cocktail since I last had 5-6 years ago.  Luckily the pub had a nice ambience, no loud music and there was a nice couch next to the patio heater.  I was actually enjoying myself, sipping my Jager Mule.  :)  Then two men approached us. My first thought "Huh, I am a mother. Why would they want to come over?"  I have changed my mindset so much that I only see myself as a mother and not a woman.  


So this is the conversation between me and that guy.  A sure way to kill any guys interest!  :D
Guy : Hi, my name is ***
Me : Hi, I am Pauline
Guy :  Do you come out here often?
Me : Nope, first time in probably 4-5 years
Guy : Wow! Do you just stay at home?
Me: Yes, because I am a MOTHER.
Guy : Oh, arent you a bit too young to be a mother?
Me: Nope but thanks for the compliment.  
Guy : What do you like to do?
Me : Knitting and reading
Guy:  What do you read?
Me : Aliens Love Underpants, The Poo Bus, Monster Sleepover (OK, I could have said Liz Young's Asking for Trouble but I decided not to)
Guy : Oh OK.  
Me : I also cook for my son and make funny dishes.  I then went on about my Marmite Pasta dish, cheese on toast with marmite, my son's marmite smeared face, etc   


Haha! That was boring enough he actually excused himself and went to approach other girls.  


So while my friend was talking to the other guy, I started daydreaming and imagined 15 years from now, my son could be hanging out in a pub like this picking up girls...  But at least it is a very nice decent looking quiet pub.  I started having imaginary conversation between my son and his girl.  


Unfortunately, I got disturbed out of my sweet daydream by that guy again!  He came back and together with his friends suggested that my friend and I go to another bar and check out a band.  I was like thinking "Uh? This place is nice"  but my friend said it will be nice.  


So the grandma me tagged along and we went into this loud bar.  When I walked in, even though the people there are around my age, I actually felt like a grandma walking in.  I felt totally out of place! 


Guy :  Can I buy you a drink?  (I've got to give him credit for his persistency)
Me : Nope.  I dont want to drink anymore. 
Guy :  Errr.. OK  
I ignored him and started people watching.  
Guy : You should let loose and dance and enjoy.  
Me : Nah, I am OK watching people
Guy (probably his last drunk attempt) :  You have nice legs!
Me : Thanks.


He completely gave up and walk away.  Meanwhile this grandma here was watching and noticing how the guys are all there to charm and the girls are all there to impress.  I cant believe 7-8 years back, I am one of these people.  But now, I am like an outsider watching and just felt that this is no longer my scene.  I feel most comfortable at home in my PJ's being with my son watching Jake and the Neverland Pirate.  


I even think at one stage I subconsciously went 'tsk tsk' and sighed when I see people lip singing to the band and shaking their heads.  


Anyway, the grandma in me got really tired and couldnt stop yawning which put any guys off.  And my friend got me home 5 minutes to midnight. Ah, bliss to be away from the music and the party scene.  


Now, I am definitely doomed not to meet any guys with my attitude and interest in life... but I am also proud of myself to see how much I have changed and am comfortable with myself.  Years back, I would have tried to say things to impress or maybe not to offend but now, I just say what I want and do not care if I am out of place or no guys approaches me.  

Piracy aka Copying of CD

A couple of days ago, my friend mentioned that NZ is strongly against 'copying' of CD.  I was going to write my comments on it but the last few days, I just felt so down.  I felt lost, hopeless, alone and miserable.  After crying for 2 days and 2 nights, nothing has changed but the tears have dried up.  There is nothing left in the well  to come out (at least for today).  So I thought I should share my comment on 'copying' of CD since the SOPA thingy is being talked about.  


I agree that pirating disc/music/books or whatever for the purpose of making an income is definitely wrong.  But if I am just copying because I like the music/show and solely for my own use, I dont see it as being that wrong.  If we look at it the other way, say if I am the singer/actor, I would feel honoured that someone like my song/show so much that they want to keep a copy of it even though it is not the 'correct' way.  That means my show/music is not only limited to the 'affordable' circle but everyone whether they are rich or poor, educated or uneducated.  


I was so sure that if I share the above, I will get lots of critical,cynical comments but not after today.  I saw in Paulo Coelho's blog how he 'support' the piracy of his own books!  This is his comment regarding his "pirate" site.  "Pirate Coelho is a site that was hosted somewhere, with a collection of my texts in P2P pages. It was not me who put it there, but being adept of free contents, I put this URL here. I am just facilitating."  Enjoy.   http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/08/31/pirate-coelho-2/  (note, he might remove the link tomorrow).

We need more people with Paulo Coelho's open minded thinking.  

Will Someone Up there Please Listen

I have to live in NZ because the father of my son has put a non-removal order.  I cant take my son home even for a holiday.  To do so, I would need to apply to court, pay a bond to the court and then pay for my return ticket which is not more than 1 month but the whole cost of doing this is NZD10,000 or more.  Each time I want to go home I have to do this process until he turns 16.  Here, I get no support.  When I am sick, no one care for me.  When I am crying, no one lends me a shoulder to cry.  When I am lonely, no one puts aside their own interest and come and be with me and listen to me.  They will be with me on condition I listen to them.  Everyone has a piece of advice  but no one wants to listen to my heart.  What I feel is not important but what everyone else feels is important.  I have no more rights, not even the right to have my own feelings.


All in the name of the law.  My life will be that way.


God promises to listen, to deliver, to help  but everyday, it just seems bleaker.  My son will never know his Asian culture.  My parents will never have a chance to know my son.  By the time he is 16, my parents might not even be alive.  My grandmother will be dead.  I will just cry in my room because I am not allowed to attend her funeral with my son . Unless she can live till 110.


The law in NZ does not recognise the difference between a woman and a man.  We have different needs  and different emotional level.  No, it does not matter.  Nothing matters.  Everything is so cold.  Lawyers act according to the NZ law even though they feel it is unjust.  Judges are constrained by the law.


If there is someone out there/up there, please do something for us.  Please dont just cross your arms and sit back.

Being a Parent is More than just Biological

I am having a huge meltdown while writing this and my son is having his nap.  The only time I do not need to hold up a front, be a brave soldier and can let my emotions out.  


It will be chinese new year in a few days time and the loneliness, the craving for love, family support, being in a family gathering is all coming to me.  Not being allowed to return home to attend my good friend's wedding last week makes me feel very angry.  


I am angry with the so called LAW.  Who make these laws?  Humans. On what basis are these laws made?  By some psychologist who are also human!  No two human are alike!  My life is now a result of some people who quotes the law and psychologists.


NZ law emphasised so much on PHYSICAL BOND with the father.  There is more to a relationship than a physical bond.  If I were to summarise what the psychologist says "If a child does not have physical bond with his father at his young age, he will not know his father. "  Does that mean many years back those soldiers and sailors do not have any relationship with their child/ren?  Love is an intangible feeling and if someone is really genuine in loving someone, no matter where they are in the world, nothing can break it. 


Asian culture emphasised on a stable foundation and here in NZ, they emphasised on physical bonding.  Which is the lesser evil psychologically?  They always say a child is resilient but honestly, how many kid have they interviewed on their opinion in living out of a knapsack?  Even movies show that a child living out a knapsack will carry that 'scar' with them forever.  


I remember back in the older days, it is the duty of a woman/mother to care for her child should the marriage dissolve.  And the child grows up being cared for by the mother in an ENVIRONMENT that the mother is supported. Mother and child move on and start live anew.  Child and mother accepted that father has left the unity of marriage and family.  When one gets married, they become one and if they have a child, they become one.  When one chose to leave the unity, that's it, they leave, and the left behind of the unity moves on.  Maybe because I am traditional and an engineer, that is how I feel about marriage and family.  A simple mathematical equation.  Of course, if the one that left chose to remain in contact,then it is great but not to the expense of hurting or imprisoning the mother and child.  


It does make me think... if the marriage had taken place in my home country and the break up occurred there, would the father have stayed in my home country where he will be the 'odd' one out in terms of skin colour and culture just for the sake of his son?  Or would he move back to NZ and resigned to fate that he will see his son whenever he goes over to visit?  If things were not that convenient for him, would he have fought for his son?  


Lastly, all these emphasis on physical bonding and family law but I do not feel a sense of filial piety here.  It is the norm to assume that once one parents grow old, they go to retirement home/nursing home.  When one child grows up, they leave and if they choose to stay at home, they have to pay rent.  In the end, it is so 'business-like' in a family environment.  The Asian culture will not charge their own kids rent even if they are 50 years old.  The Asian culture teaches that life is a cycle/circle.  We take care of our children when they are young, give them the best and as such, they know and understand and in return take care of us when we are old.  Another reason why I yearn to go back.  Besides being a mother, I am also a daughter.  My parents are ageing.  It is now my turn to take care of them.  


Just read what I wrote.  It sounds like a jumble of thoughts and feelings. It doesnt even make sense.  It is a mixture of my feeling as a mother and as a daughter.  My feeling of love for my son.  My feeling of anger and loneliness and frustration.  It is all a mixture of every feeling.  I read in Conversation with God that Love is a summation of all emotions/feelings.  So maybe this can be summed up in one word - my feeling of LOVE for my child, my family and maybe even my ex-husband.  If I had not loved him, I will not feel hurt and angry.  So I must have felt love to feel hurt... and the realisation that he probably had not loved me as he is indifferent towards how I feel.  Well, what the heck, it is my blog and I am upset so I am just going to write how I feel as I have no one whom I can talk to...who will just listen and not try to tell me what I should do and how I should live.  

The Poo Bus

I am blogging this in front of the bathroom, waiting for my son to finish his play in the bath.  I got this book out from the library last weekend.  I didnt know how my son will react to it but I guess he likes the way I read it so we read it everyday and he 'reads' it by himself in the toilet. 

Front cover

Back cover

Now, he says "Goodbye, poo poo" before we flushes the toilet and of course, I have to add  "Have a fun time Uncle Toad!"  :)  In fact, I think I also 'believe' the book.  I do wonder what happens when I flush the toilet but now I can imagine Uncle Toad driving the first poo leading the remaining poos heading towards the seaside.  :)  It will be a gross book but if you are open minded (and of course my friends know that the toilet is my 2nd home), it is a funny book.  It sheds a new light to your daily excretion.  :)  For those who find difficulty going to the toilet, maybe the book will help you ease yourself much easier.  


"All aboard the poo bus!"

Marmite Pasta

I am sharing this because over the weekend, I discovered my friend's housemate absolutely dislike Marmite/Vegemite.  Just the mention of it, he will squirm in such a way, it cracks me up.  :)  So I decided to take pictures of my marmite pasta dish and upload it.  Maybe one day by serendipity, he will stumble upon my blog and he will know who wrote that.  He could be reading it with his grandchild and say "I know this blogger.  She makes marmite with cheese on toast for her son, Urrggghh!"

A healthy dose of butter

With lots of garlic and onion and big spoonful of marmite

The meat is browned in marmite juice :)

Add the pasta

And lightly tossed eggplant with a spoonful of marmite.
 Into the oven it goes to be baked

Final result which my boy loves - the taste of marmite with grated cheese! 

Formal vs Informal Learning

I have been hassled left and right to put my son in a full time kindy.  I was like, why the rush?  He is only 3.  Yes, I will look for a kindy for him but only the public kindy where its 2.5 hours a day.  I will not put him in a half day ( 4 hours) or full day kindy.  


My reasons - he is only a toddler ONCE in his life.  Why are we living in such a kiasu world that we feel the need for our 3 years old to know his ABC and 1,2,3 all the way to 100 when they are only 3?  Nursery, childcare, kindy only come about in recent years.  I am sure when I was a toddler, I was a 'stay at home' toddler.  


I started kindy at the age of 5, where before that I feel that informal learning at home can be so beneficial.  I go to the market with my grandmother, sees how she haggles for vegetables, meat, etc.  I helped my grandfather brew chinese medicine, I followed my uncle to his school.  All these are priceless learning.  I feel that learning is not only contained in an institution.  


And they are only toddler once in their life.  Why do I want to start him on an alarm clock at 3 years old so that he could get to kindy on time when he will be living on the alarm clock for the rest of his life?   He will need to wake up on time once he starts school, then it's university, and then work.  There will be no other chance in life where he can sleep in and have a nap/siesta in the afternoon.  No other time in his life he could be this carefree and no responsibility. 


I am not being possessive for not putting my child in full time kindy.  I just want him to enjoy his toddler-hood.  It's only once in a lifetime.  I want him to play and gain his own confidence. Although my son doesnt attend kindy, I find his confidence surpasses a lot of children who attends childcare/nursery/kindy.  He is not clingy, goes off to play with anyone in any situation, he can signs his nursery rhymes and also can count.  I have set time where for 1 hour a day, I will home school him and the rest of the time, he just learns from observing me or playing.  


FYI, I dont think I turned out that bad either for starting kindy at 5.  I did graduate as an Engineer and had a JPA scholarship to fund me through uni.  It does not mean a later start = slower in life!

Turning old to new

Today, 16 January 2012, I decided to restore my old mirror with all the shells my son collected.  I kept all the shells he collected as I was too 'sentimental' to chuck them out.  Besides, I checked the feng shui book and it looks like I could do with some mirror in the house.  So here is my attempt to turn something old into a new look with recycled material.

My old bathroom mirror

Transformed with shells 

I am quite proud with the final product.  Now I can hang the mirror in the auspicious corner in the house and not worry about selling the mirror in trademe.  

Dragon Baby

Last night, I had a very nice dream.  Every girl's type of dream... :)  Sad to say, it is just a dream and reality strike when  I open my eyes.  But that doesnt stop my urge to think about my dream and wished it would come true.  Then maybe I could have the dragon baby I had always wanted.  For ages, I always wanted a dragon baby.  Today, at the park, I seem to see so many lucky women who will be having a dragon baby and envied them like a green eyed monster.  It brought me back to an article I saw recently in NZ Herald of that Asian girl advertising for sperm donor as she wants a dragon baby.  She said she is 30 now and could not wait another 12 years to get her dragon baby.  Her parents has given their blessing for her to look for a sperm donor.  I guess like all Asian parents, her parents are also dying to have a dragon grandchild...  


As it write this, I am wondering, how many responses have she gotten?  Does she have a enough to even spare me one? (tsk..tsk.. how could I think of that knowing that raising a child is so costly in NZ but it's my heart/desire talking/thinking...)  


In another perspective, having a sperm donor sure cuts out all the hassle you get with child custody when something goes wrong.  All I wanted when the marriage broke up is our son... nothing else but just my little bundle of joy, my salvation, the love of my life.  


Will I get my dragon baby?  I am much older than that Asian woman and to wait another 12 years, I would have hit menopause. Will God make this special miracle for me ?  The proper acceptable way of course! - no one night stand suggestion please.

Purple

Now that I have 'graduated' from my knitting, I can take orders and my first order is a purple scarf and a purple beanie for my little boy.  He is a purple boy! His next order is pirate!  Yikes, I have not reached that level of expertise yet.  He has to wait!

Tried to match the ribbed pattern on the scarf

Staggered ribbed pattern for masculinity 

Typical Saturday

Saturday again. I hate Saturday - it's the morning where I wake up without my son.

I was feeling sorry for myself today as I had to turn down an invite to dim sum due to my financial situation. I dragged myself out of bed, make breakfast, turned on my computer for the usual mail and FB routine. There was a mail from a friend challenging me to make a CNY fan. I took the challenge and am quite proud with the result.

I felt perkier and decided to cook a special meal to welcome my son home.

I made up my own 'honey soy tongkwai chicken stuffed with oranges in its cavity' meal and put everything in a slow cooker and treat myself to a home cooked spaghetti alio olio. It was yummy, dosed with extra garlic and improvised with cili padi and continued watching Julie and Julia. It has taken me the whole week to watch it and have yet to finish watching it!

After lunch, I decided to get the right cord to make a mystic knot. So with my paper bag (as I do not know how to describe the cord, I thought I will just show them the handle of a paper bag!), I head out towards the craft shop.

Suddenly, I had a meltdown inside the car.

I felt angry and sad that this is my life.

I wished very ill thoughts towards the ex-husband.

I walked into the craft shop with red puffy eyes and I couldnt care less. However browsing through all the yarns and crafts calms me down. By the time I got to check out, I was OK and was mildly surprised the cord that I was holding has a 50% discount on it. Now, that is something good for my sucky life.

I went home and with determination tried to learn the mystic knot. After many attempts, I have decided to rename it Mysterious Knot! I could not get my head around it. So I settle for something simpler - the Good Luck knot.

Again, quite proud to say I achieve that quite easily and hung the knot to my fan.

Now that I am calmer and awaiting the return of my son, I should say that if my son had not come into my life, which eventually led me to leave my job as an engineer which resulted my husband (now ex) to leave me, I would still be living a 'convenient' life where I could buy everything.

But because I am in this situation, I have learnt survival skills and a 'can do' attitude. I told myself, if someone could do that stuff, I could too. I would have not attempted to knit or bake or do any craft if I was not in this situation. So I guess the saying there is a silver lining is true although I do wish it is more than just a silver lining. (perhaps win Lotto tonight!)

I am now waiting for the return of my son and the smell of my honey soy tongkwai chicken stuffed with orange is so appetising. Off now to prepare cous cous with that nutritious juice.